I am truly thankful that Christmas only comes once a year. It’s just way too much stress, anxiety, energy and happiness condensed into too short a time frame. After staying up late throwing out garbage and wiping down coffee stains and brownie crumbs from the stage of the CDC theatre, I wanted nothing more than to relax and enjoy my Holiday. Unfortunately, real life always gets in the way of even my best intentions. So instead of spending Christmas eve sleeping in and watching those whining, overpaid bitches on "The View" while sipping on hot cocoa in my pajamas, I was standing in the freezing rain at the train station.Although I was well aware that no work would be done and that no banker in their right mind would venture into the office, it is company policy that a skeleton crew of admins come in to make sure there is “adequate coverage on the floor.” Meaning I get paid to sit in an empty office watching the clock tick away at any remaining shred of life and hope left in my dying soul.
So anyway, after a day of surfing the net and answering one phone call - “Hi, is Mr. So-and-so in today?” “No, you imbecile, it’s Christmas Eve and these bankers have real lives, unlike you and I!!” - I headed home to Astoria to change into my suit and immediately turned around to head back to NJ for church job number 1 of 2. Some of you may wonder why your Holiday church choir always sounds so amazing at Holiday times yet sounds like a bunch of drunk hyenas the rest of the year. It’s no accident, silly. It’s because most places pay professional singers to sit in with their choirs to “fill out their sound” so as to impress those people who only come to church at Christmas and Easter. Next holiday, take a really close look at the people in the choir. No one look familiar? Well, maybe you should go to church mare than twice a year. But honestly, it’s because they don’t go to your church, they’re paid to be there. In the biz, we call these mercenaries of song “ringers.” Honestly, wouldn’t you join the choir if you were paid to sing? What goes through people’s minds? "Wow, they sound like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir tonight when only just last week they sounded like a pack of castrated wild dogs." Please people, it’s all part of the holiday illusion.
Anyway, job number one was harmless enough. The full Pineda clan was hired to supplement the small choir at a Methodist Church in Scotch Plains, NJ, where my brother, Juan, is musical director - pretty easy stuff, just some traditional carols plus Juan asked me to do some piano accompanying. I actually enjoy working here because unlike other places, the congregation actually does know that we aren’t regulars and thanks us for lending our talents. So I don’t feel so much like a chorus prostitute. The one sadly uncomfortable part of this evening's service, however, was the special song prepared by the pastor’s children. Not because they performed badly, but because it was obvious from their scowling faces that they’d have been happier receiving full rectal exams with bowling pins than standing in front of the congregation and performing. These are grown children out of college, not trained monkeys. Please pastor, if your children don’t want to sing, let them enjoy their Christmas in peaceful silence. Believe me, from personal experience, I still get a slight panic attack if I'm at a party with my mom and there's a piano. In the back of my mind, I still think she's gonna scream out, "Play Für Elise. Now. I don't care if you have a broken finger!" and I'm a 38 - er, um, I mean - 29 years old.
To be continued...
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