33 Variations 3/26

First, I have to say that Jane Fonda looks f*cking amazing for 62! Her plastic surgeon deserves every penny he over-charged her. She may be a hot mess up close, but from row S - stunning. As for the play, I give it a solid B+. Moises Kaufman seems drawn to this type of heavily researched history-based drama (having previously co-written The Laramie Project and directed the Tony winning I Am My Own Wife on Broadway). The parallel between Fonda’s character and Beethoven is perhaps a bit heavy-handed - genius racing to complete final masterwork before fatal disease knocks him out vs. intellectual racing to complete final thesis before fatal disease knocks her out. But the performances and the development of the relationships, particularly between the mother and daughter and the daughter and her boyfriend, made you overlook the worn dramatic device. And finally, hurray! - live music in the form of an actual human being performing the work in question, Beethoven’s 33 Variations on a waltz by Diabelli, rather than piped in sound cues.

Fonda, as I think I made clear earlier, looks fantastic and has definite star presence and fine stage chops. She needs to jog down the block to Impressionism and give Joan Allen some pointers. Sorry, I love me some Miss Joan (on the big screen) but she needs some work on her stage technique. But Susan Kellerman as an uptight German professor with a hidden soft side, nearly steals the show. Her scene about hiring a prostitute to help Fonda’s character feel “alive” again is worth the ticket price (although we only paid TDF prices). I admit, being a child of the 80’s, I kept thinking of Inga Swenson’s Nazi-like German maid, Gretchen Kraus, from "Benson" all through the first act. But once I let nostalgia drift away, I was able to better concentrate on her no-nonsense characterization. Colin Hanks (aka spawn of Tom Hanks) was quite good, too, in what could have been a forgettable secondary role and as Trish mentioned to me on exiting, “Doesn’t look as busted up close.”

On a side note, since we’re only a few weeks away from the Broadway Easter Bonnet Competition, Fonda announced that actors would be standing at the exit of the theater with buckets to collect donations for Broadway Cares / Equity Fights Aids. So of course, we brushed right by all the nobody’s and straight up to Colin Hanks’ bucket. If I’m going to give up one of Trish’s dollars, I want to at least get a close up look at a movie-star-by-association. Trish’s friend, Billy, is a huge “admirer” of Mr. Hanks. As soon as we left the theatre, Trish immediately sent Billy the following text. “My hand was inches away from Colin Hanks’ penis and he said ‘thank you very much.’” We almost went with the tamer, “My hand was in Colin Hanks’ bucket and he said ‘thank you very much,’” - but we went for the more explicit.

Mandy and Patti 3/29

Well, what can I say? It was Mandy and Patti for God’s sake! Amahzing - as Seth would say. No, they weren’t vocally perfect, but who cares? Even from a mile away - at least it seemed that way from our next-to-last-row fourth balcony seats - you couldn’t help but be knocked back by those personalities. Yes, both voices show the wear of long and prolific careers, but so what? The only time I don’t cringe at “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” is hearing Patti perform it. And while she does have that crazy belt / head voice split (and some very “creative” vowels) with absolutely no mix whatsoever, you forgive her. She’s earned the right not to have a mix. Mandy, of course, is Mandy. And I think you either love or hate that. Believe me, I’ve gone through phases of both, but regardless your opinion, you really have to respect the man’s intensity and commitment on stage. This man does not phone it in. Who knew funny could be intense? Together, well, they just have chemistry. They’ve both almost grown into Forbidden Broadway characterizations of themselves, but I almost prefer it to the conservatory cookie cutter musical theatre performers we get nowadays. Mandy and Patti can enthrall an audience: Technically perfect? - no - but fully engaging? - yes.

And now for my rant. (Please skip to the next paragraph if you don’t want to hear me bitch and moan.) These two are the last vestige of what I consider true Broadway personalities. Now we’re stuck with triple threat automatons. They are all “good,” but not very interesting individually. I mean, you can’t just be an excellent singer/actor any more, you also need to have a triple pirouette in your back pocket. And except for some rare exceptions, this just leads to performers that are good at everything, but don’t excel at any one thing.

Back to the concert - last night’s program consisted of standards, peppered with a few novelty numbers. And each act was anchored by a mini-musical complete with the truncated book scenes - South Pacific in act one and Carousel in act two. It was a treat to see these two, who in real life would never in a million zillion years be cast in these parts, sink their teeth into classic roles. I can almost hear Mandy telling Patti in rehearsal, “Let’s show ‘em how they SHOULD be performed.” What a trip to see Patti as an “Arkansas hick” and Mandy as the brutal Billy Bigelow. Sure, not ideal casting, but they made it work - Tim Gunn would be proud.

My fave moments: Ann Reinking’s chair-ography in “April in Fairbanks,” Patti’s “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina,” Mandy’s “Franklin Shepard Inc” and the encore duets “You’re Just in Love” and “Coffee in a Cardboard Cup.”

Impressionism 3/7

Well, it’s been over three weeks since I saw this one, but I have been just a tad busy (see multiple posts below). However, in the wake of today’s awful reviews, I thought I’d just throw in my two cents. Yes, the reviews have been unanimously bad - I think one called it a “pretentious bore.” Ouch. I consider myself a pretty tough critic, but I think these reviews are way too harsh. I’m not saying it’s Shakespeare, but the play has it’s moments. I mean, any work that moves me almost to tears can’t be all that bad. And before you even say it, yes, I cry at just about any scene in any play or movie involving death or marriage, but even Trish got wet-eyed at the plays final moments.

To be fair, we saw it in early previews. At that time, both Trish and I thought the first act was way too long and rambling and needed some judicious editing. Fast forward a week later, the producers announce they are moving the opening date back by one week and that they are cutting the play down to a 90-minute one act. We definitely should become show doctors.

What really prompted us to check out the play are its two leads, Jeremy Irons and Joan Allen (with the added bonus of hottie Michael T. Weiss). Though I love Allen on the big screen, she seemed a bit one-note and well, really loud. I mean, it was great that she projected into that big house, but after a while it seemed she only had one volume setting. She definitely had some lovely moments, but the plays convention of the two leads playing multiple characters didn’t really work. Her characters were so similar that it was almost distracting and somewhat confusing. Jeremy Irons is an acting God. He was natural and quirky and always interesting. And despite the horrendous reviews, I think the last half hour of the play is pretty damn good; especially the last scene in which all the characters discuss the meaning of one of the paintings in the shop.

I’m sure the reviews will doom this play to an early closing, but I don’t know if it deserves the venom that it seems to be inspiring. Perhaps I was in a forgiving mood the night we saw it? Oh well, it was totally worth it to see these stage and screen veterans on live. Maybe I’m getting soft in my old age.

Day from hell - callbacks

An act and a half of Beauty and the Beast, five hours of callbacks for On The Town and then two more hours of debating about casting - need I say more? Well, I’m going to anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of my B&B kids and they deserve the huge crowds and audience adulation they receive, but you try sitting through any show seven times in a row daily. I don’t care what it is or who’s in it! Well, maybe if Audra was in it I could manage, but even after seven nights of her, I’d be saying, “Bring it, girlfriend.”

Worse was our callback. The talent level this year was freakishly high. There are going to be some pissed off kids after casting comes out. The problem, which I guess is a “problem” that any director would love to have, is that there are literally three, four and in some cases five kids that could kick-ass in any one of the several lead roles. Unfortunately, the show is just too big to double cast all the roles and still expect to get up and running in under three weeks.

Our main problem this year is that several kids were obviously campaigning for specific roles. In theory, this isn’t really a problem, except for the fact that the same kids then purposely did a sh*tty job at the callbacks for the roles they didn’t want. Now, I understand these kids are young and inexperienced - and I don’t mean stage experience, I mean life and professional experience. But really? If these kids had any real balls, they’d be honest and just say, “I appreciate you thinking of me for such-and-such, but I’d only like to be considered for so-and-so.” Please, I’ve gone to auditions and specified what roles I’d be interested in. And yes, sometimes I’ve walked away empty-handed, but at least I walked away with integrity and knowledge that the producers/directors can respect me for being up front. And of course, just because YOU think you’d be perfect for something, doesn’t mean you are. If I’ve learned anything from my years of performing and auditioning, it’s that there’s always someone just as talented (and usually better looking and with tighter abs - LOL) just waiting for you to f*ck up - so why f*ck up intentionally?

But alas, we’re not hiring actors for a professional production and these kids are paying to be in our production. But it’s still annoying. We’ve known these kids for years and know their talent and capabilities. It’s quite naïve of them to think they’re fooling us. *Sigh* One day it will bite them in the a*s when this audition “method” backfires and they just don’t get hired at all. Oh well, live and learn.

B&B opening night

After much nail-biting and hundreds of dollars spent in train tickets and cab fare, B&B finally opened last night to an extremely enthusiastic audience. I have to give the kids props for pushing through some extremely adverse conditions. And frankly, I was surprised by the audience reaction at times. Not that I don’t think they deserve it, but it really never occurred to me - certainly not while choreographing either "Gaston" or "Be Our Guest" - that these numbers would garner mid-number applause. I can honestly say that I did not intend to build this into the numbers. More than anything, I guess it has to do with expectation. If I’m to believe the stories of past productions, it seems that dancing has not been the drama department’s strong point. I guess if you don’t expect memorable choreography, then even my somewhat rudimentary attempt (perhaps not my most difficult work, due to the lack of trained dancers in the cast) must have really been a happy surprise for the audience. It was truly a joy, even for a jaded old bitch like me, to see the wide-eyed shock of the cast after the audience’s seemingly endless ovation following "Be Our Guest." Granted, how can you not clap for dancing silverware and napkins?

I’m happy with what I was able to get out of the cast, but also somewhat disappointed knowing that before snow days and scheduling changes, I’d have probably had at least an additional three or four rehearsals. I guess as an artist, you always feel like you’re trying to perfect your work even if your audience seems satisfied with the final product. If you’re not, you’re probably not a very good artist or you’re just a stuck-up asshole (or probably both).

B&B rant

I guess “mild frustration” would best describe my core emotional state during most of tech rehearsals for Beauty and the Beast, which I’m choreographing for South Plainfield High School. This tech week has been unlike any other I’ve ever experienced in my theatrical life - mainly because I didn’t have anything to do. Yes, I attended rehearsals everyday this week, but the technical aspect was so overwhelming that no actual “rehearsing” took place. Because of the overwhelming technical demands of the show, virtually no performance issues were addressed during tech week - not a single real acting note. I mean, there was the perfunctory, “find your light” or “can you play that more stage left”, but nothing specific about characterization or cleanliness of blocking.

I’m accustomed to the cast and directors sitting down together at the end of each rehearsal and going through their list of performance notes with the cast as a group, but that didn't happened. I had a pad full of notes, but didn’t have an opportunity to give them out. So last night, I finally decided to take initiative and give individual notes before the last run-through. Mistake. These kids were looking at me like I had three heads. Have they never gotten notes before? It was so weird. Our kids - the ones who work with us in the operas and in the summer - actually come up to us and ask us if we have notes for them. They think there’s something wrong if we don’t give them notes. Did this cast think they were perfect? I hope not. It was so weird.

I continued anyway, even though some of the cast (i.e. the leads - talk about big-fish-little-pond syndrome) were definitely giving off the “how-dare-you-give-me-performance-notes” vibe. These same “actors” would hang their heads in shame were they to witness the performances of our conservatory kids. I’ve never directed a group of people, kids included, that didn’t want suggestions as to how to improve their performance. I mean, we - the Pineda’s - continue to give notes and make changes through an entire run of a show. Okay, so we’re probably a bit extreme in the opposite direction, but come on, these kids had no note sessions the entire week before opening? That’s just not normal. Suffice it to say, I didn’t give out all my notes. It was just too much work and the kids didn’t really seem to care that I was trying to help them anyway. To be fair, that’s a bit of a generalization. A few - very few - students (mainly non-leads) were open to my notes and suggestions. But I was just so frustrated that I basically gave up. The last thing I need after a nine-hour work day is to be snubbed by a high school student who doesn’t think someone with a decade of professional theater experience and conservatory training can possibly give them any insight into their performance. That probably sounds harsh, but I don’t get paid enough to force these kids to listen to me. At least I have a personal relationship with our conservatory kids, so I’m willing to push a little harder.

I cannot wait until tomorrow when the show finally opens. Then I can get some of my weekends back, at least until Magic Flute rehearsals begin next week.

South Plainfield’s B&B curse - here’s the short list of “problems” that have plagued this production:

• Over 20 people dropped out since initial casting.
• We lost at least two weeks of rehearsal because the administration didn’t bother to tell the director she couldn’t use the auditorium during some fire alarm upgrades (not to mention a couple of snow days).
• The opening date was moved up one week to accommodate another event that needed use of the full stage.
• The set designer’s wife was mugged at knife point in the school parking lot during a rehearsal.
• The student playing Gaston was expelled (don’t ask) less than a week before opening and had to be replaced by a student who graduated two years ago.
• The nearly all student orchestra had basically no rehearsal, so tempos were painfully too slow and un-danceable.

High School musical overload…

…and I don’t mean that travesty of a Disney show. Between Beauty and the Beast rehearsals this weekend, Trish and I managed to see three of the area high schools’ musicals. I know, you’re thinking, “What the f*ck would possess anyone to see ten hours worth of high school performances voluntarily?!” Well, Pineda Conservatory has the good fortune of having plentiful student representation in each cast. Since Juan and Val ran off to the Caribbean with mom-ski and dad-ski (that’s what we call Val’s Polish parents to differentiate them from our “-ski”-less parents), it was up to Trish and I to represent. So it was Cranford’s Anything Goes on Friday night, Westfield’s Kiss Me Kate Saturday night and Scotch Plains’ Guys and Dolls Sunday afternoon.

Since I know many parents and students read this blog, I’ll keep to the positives and give out my version of the HS Tony Awards, the Pinedas if you will, based on these three productions. I’ve used character names if I don’t know the student (sorry, I know that’s sort of ghetto, but I didn’t keep any of my programs).

Best supporting actress (tie): Bonnie in Anything Goes - incredible comic timing and great dancer / Sarah Szollar in Kate - a Pineda fave - be proud of those boobs, hon!

Best supporting actor (tie): Dan Berman in Kate - another Pineda fave showing his “steamy” side / Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls - just a funny, all around solid performance.

Best lead actor: Sky in Guys and Dolls - not the strongest singing voice, but had a strength, confidence and ease of character you don’t usually find in high school boys. And that speaking voice, he definitely has a voice-over career in his future. Dreamy.

Best lead actress (tie): Catalina Gagliotti in Kate - no one on any of these stages can out-sing her (so I'm sure they all hate her) / Adelaide in Guys and Dolls - perfect blend of sincerity and character without becoming a cartoon, impeccable comic timing.

Best ensemble: Guys and Dolls - these kids were committed and invested in the story and in character all the time, unlike some of the other productions where they ensemble was mainly used as glorified “set-dressing.”

Best choreography: Guys and Dolls - a perfect example of using the entire cast rather than always featuring the “dancers” and everyone else stands around jazz-handing it. It was maybe not as technically difficult as the other schools, but it was always clean, tight and precise. I also give props to Cranford for somehow finding an ensemble of long-legged tapping chorus girls - a pleasant surprise.

Best musical: Guys and Dolls - was just extremely tight, clean and well-rehearsed. Some of the other shows, while maybe possessing more talented casts overall, were a bit ragged/sloppy around the edges. G&D was streamlined, well-paced and unlike the other shows, didn’t suffer from clunky transitions and scene changes.

Overall, it was a good weekend of high school performances. Now I just have to survive tech week for Beauty and the Beast and final auditions and callbacks for On The Town. Good times.

Pizza and crack

Well, Trish and I had a rather saucy Saturday night out this weekend. Even though we did catch a new Broadway play, Impressionism, the real excitement happened after the show let out.

Because we had to drive into the city from NJ that afternoon, we didn’t have a chance to grab anything to eat. So after the play, we stop at John’s Pizzeria in the theatre district. It’s one of my fave “no slice” spots in the city, but every time I’ve tried to take Trish, the line has been crah-zazy long. But not last night, at 10:30 pm on a Saturday night, we are able to walk right in with no wait. As far as the food, excellent as usual - best crust in the city - and that’s coming from someone who leaves the bones in the box.

Anyway, the host seats us in direct view of the restroom door. As we wait for our waitress, I decide to use it. Locked. OK, so it’s occupied. We wait ten minutes. No waitress and still no sign of life from the bathroom. First thought, “Hmmm, maybe I need a key?” Second thought, “Man, does our waitress suck.” Finally, a busboy wanders by and tries the bathroom door. Of course, it’s locked and he starts walking away past our table. Trying to be all helpful and sh*t, I tell him that it’s been locked for a while thinking he’ll offer a key or something. All he says is, “Oh” and walks away. We don’t see him again. Finally, our lazy waitress arrives and takes our order. Then - surprise - the door to the men’s room swings open and a server walks out. Trish gives me a “what-the-f*ck?” look. No joke, he was in there for like, 15 minutes. OK, fine, I’ve been known to take a leisurely sit-down, but I usually reserve my marathon sessions for the privacy of my own apartment and preferably with a stack of magazines, not at work. What-ev’s, I toss it up to some funky stomach virus and move on. A few minutes later another server heads to the restroom. 10 minutes pass and he’s still in there. OK, that’s just too much of a coincidence. When he finally finishes whatever it is he’s doing in there, he jauntily rushes by our table. There is no way his extreme joy, bordering on jittery excitement, could be simple relief from a satisfying dump. As soon as he’s past earshot, Trish leans over and says, “There’s totally a drug stash in that bathroom and all the servers are shooting up in there.” Of course! Come on, a line of workers spending 10-15 minutes at a time in the bathroom, one after the other? What else could it possibly be?

Trish and I immediately put our sting operation into effect. First off, we wait until the end of our meal so that we’re long gone before anyone notices we’ve made off with their crack. Lazy waitress puts down the check and I hand her my credit card. I nonchalantly head to the restroom to search for the illicit goods. Once inside, I finger the space between the mirror and the wall, reach behind and thoroughly search behind the sink and reach inside the paper towel dispenser. Nothing. Hmmm, what would Chuck do? Check the toilet! I carefully lift the toilet cover off the tank as not to bang the porcelain. I look inside - and nothing. I lift the cover over my head and inspect the inside, careful not to let anything nasty drip on me. Hmm, nothing there either. It’s got to be behind the toilet. I crouch down to take a look, but the corner of the toilet tank is covered in brown splash stains. Unfortunately, a bag full of crack, even at street value, is not worth getting my fingers and forearm smeared with sh*t. Those busboys know how to protect their stash. Foiled! I head out and break the news to Trish who doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t stick my hand in poop. Oh well, tonight we’ll just have to get high on life!

But that’s not the end of the evening’s excitement. Because the hell of weekend subway construction is in full swing, Trish and I had a nice long wait at Queensborough Plaza for our transfer. It was around midnight, so we knew we’d have a long wait ahead. If you don’t know the stop, it’s on a raised platform above the street. Since it’s only one stop from the city, the area is literally springing up with new condos, many of which face the subway platform directly. Bored from our wait, we spy one apartment, lights fully ablaze with no curtains and no blinds. Two middle-aged couples are having coffee and conversing in the living room and a younger girl, maybe 17 or 18 is hanging out in her adjoining bedroom. It’s all pretty boring, nothing out of the ordinary --- until the girl starts undressing! Yes, facing the window directly across from a subway platform loaded with bored (not for long) passengers, the girl starts stripping down. It wasn’t like she was putting on a show or anything. It was obvious she was just changing into her PJ’s. But if we had no trouble seeing her every feature - and I mean EVERY feature - how could she not notice fifty people staring at her from a brightly lit subway platform? Buy some curtains people!

In The Heights 1/21

It’s been a couple of weeks, so I hope my memory holds up. But overall I enjoyed this show very much. Sure, it is a little cheesy-Spanish-soap-opera-set-to-rap-music and the plot is wisp thin, but that aside, the real star of the show is the direction and the friggin’ cool choreography supplied by Andy Blankenbuehler. Everything about the dance and musical staging was dynamic, interesting and modern - all things that most choreography currently on Broadway is not.

Performances across the board are excellent. Vocally, it’s probably the strongest cast I’ve heard on a Broadway stage in a long time. These beeyatches actually know how to use their mix and don’t feel the need to power belt through everything - I’m talking to you cast of Wicked! And although the cast manages very successfully to negotiate within the pop idiom, they tastefully and conservatively riffed through the score, happily avoiding American Idol style self-indulgent vocal masturbation.

If you’re looking for deep, multi-layered Sondheim symbolism, don’t expect it here. It’s like the best episode of Ugly Betty crossed with the musical sensibility of the Altar Boyz filtered through a purely urban New York lens.

Forbidden Broadway Goes to Rehab 2/12

I can’t believe I’ve only caught FB twice in its 27 years Off-Broadway. Trish and I decided to catch the final edition a few weeks ago. I have to admit, I felt somewhat self-conscious laughing at jokes that left the majority of the audience in ignorant silence. But I guess that’s what happens when the audience is packed with foreign tourists and clueless locals who obviously aren’t familiar with Broadway or for the matter, the English language. Why would you see a show that parodies Broadway shows if you haven’t seen any? It sort of defeats the purpose, no? The skits that received the heartiest response were those lampooning older shows and general Broadway personalities/topics - i.e. Disney-fication of Broadway, Patti LuPone and Liza - pretty much expected from a crowd with little knowledge of current Broadway. Though it’s quite a tribute to Strouse, Meehan and Charnin that even after all these years, the Annie parody still gets big laughs.

I started feeling bad for the cast right from the opening number. You could tell by the crickets that the audience just wasn’t getting any of the inside jokes. God bless them for pushing through anyway. You could almost see the thought bubble above the cast's collective heads screaming, “This audience sucks. No one knows what we’re talking about,” as they forced smiles and belted out the opening.

Props to the hard-working ladies in the cast for providing spot on vocal impersonations of Patti, Liza, Chenny and Kelly O’Hara. The men were pretty wonderful as well, but unfortunately, there just aren’t any distinctive male personalities or voices out there worth lampooning. Still, the “Lion King”, “Little Mermaid”, “Patti LuPone” and “Feed the ‘burbs” sections are pretty genius.

Unfortunately, this show for the “theatre-insider” closed last weekend. I’ll look forward to it’s return in a few years when I’m sure there’ll be plenty to make fun off - Spiderman, the Musical, anyone?