I guess New York has turned me into a judgemental...

jaded, nasty queen - sigh.  Though I'm no stranger to the raised eyebrow and "oh, gurl" attitude of the urban gay set, I've always thought of myself as generally a nice person.  Well, I guess we all have our moments and mine happened last night at Kathy Griffin Wants A Tony. 

As I climbed over dozens of knees to get to my prime front mezzanine center seat, I notice the gentlemen next to me flashing a big, goofy smile. Out of the corner of my eye I see him continually glancing over at me, checking me out, and I immediately go into avoidance mode - picking through my bag, pretending to read texts on my phone, folding and re-folding my coat - but to no avail. "Hi there. How are you?" Ugh. Why do I always end up next to some creepy old queen trying to pick me up? "Fine, thank you" I politely answer and then pretend to be engrossed in my Playbill. "So where are you from?" Can he not read my very blatant signals? "Astoria," I meekly smile. But I've clearly just opened the door and he extends his hand, "Well, nice to meet you, I'm Paul." OK, enough already. I just came out tonight to hear some Kathy trash talk. I do not want to go on a first date with the lonely guy next to me.  I politely take his hand and answer, "I'm Fausto." Now leave me alone.  "God bless," he says. What!?!?

That's the weirdest pick-up line I've ever heard. I shyly ask, "Where are you from?" "Abilene, Texas. It's my first time in New York City and I'm with my wife and daughter." He gestures to the tween next to him and then to a solid, but pleasant looking woman with big, southern blond hair in the next seat.  She smiles and waves.

Oops. Have I become so self-absorbed and arrogant to think the only reason someone might start a conversation with me is because they are so dazzled by my good looks that they can't help but hit on me? I guess so. This excited tourist was just trying to make friendly southern small talk and I assumed he was some lonely looser at the Kathy Griffin show.

My Gaydar needs a definitely tune up. Anyway, after we got our little misunderstanding cleared up we spent the next ten minutes gossiping like long last girlfriends.  He warned that I shouldn't bother seeing Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo - even with Robin Williams - because it was just awful and full of profanity. I asked him if he knew that every other word Kathy says is "fuck"? We're definitely besty's for life now.

As for Kathy, she was a hot mess - in a good way. She was wound tight like a crack whore on an all-night bender, skipping from pop culture topic to pop culture topic, often interrupting her own story to follow some unrelated tangent and then asking the audience to remind her to get back to the original story. The audience obliged, of course, randomly yelling out names and topics to get the comedienne back on track. The free-for-all atmosphere continued for two intermissionless hours.

For Kathy fans, or Kath-eters as we have now been dubbed, it was a night of outrageous fun. For Kathy haters, well, I'll just quote the great one herself and tell you to go "suck it."

Kathy's hilarious bio.

Kathy Griffin wants a Tony
Monday, March 14, 8pm performance
Belasco Theatre

My name is Fausto and I'm a...

Is there a 12-step program for reality show addiction? Because I just can’t stop. Thank you networks for the particularly cheese-tastic array of choices available for summer viewing. These are my drugs of choice:
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
Mall Cops: Mall of America
The Fabulous Beekman Boys
Losing it With Jillian
So You Think You Can Dance?

I literally had to delete shows from my DVR list because it can only record two shows at one time (sorry Intervention and Hoarders, you will be missed but not forgotten). And there are still shows that I want to see but am physically unable to squeeze into my 18 waking hours a day (Cupcake Wars anyone?). Here’s why I can’t live without them (OK, maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but I am a thespian and a homo - the perfect storm of theatricality):

Kathy Griffin - A gay man with a vagina, Kathy lacks any trace of subtlety and tact, but she is fuckin’ hilarious. I like that she calls celebrities (and herself) out on their bullsh*t and would be honored to have her as my hag.

Mall Cops - This show is brilliant. If I hadn’t known any better, I’d think it was a parody a la "Waiting for Guffman." I mean, a show about the dangers of being a mall security guard? Last night’s episode had the guards stopping an ice cube fight, chastising a fast food manager for blocking a fire exit and helping a special needs customer find his slushie. You can’t write that shit.

The Fabulous Beekman Boys - A gay NYC couple, one an OCD former doctor and VP with Martha Stewart and the other a former drag queen turned advertising exec, buy a farm upstate and attempt to run it using information gleaned from Google and advice from Farmer John, a gay animal lover whose love for his llamas literally brings him to tears in the first episode. ‘ Nuff said?

Losing it - I love watching people cry.

SYTYCD - The only talent show on TV that actually rewards people for having legitimate training. Imagine that?

And speaking of TV, I caught the first two acts of Live from Lincoln Center’s HD broadcast of Simon Boccanegra last night starring Placido Domingo. The man is 69 and still sounds incredible (although that wig - yikes!). I’m 40 and feel used up. It’s just not fair.

Kathy Griffin

Y’all know I’m a fan of K-Griff’s (that’s my made up rap-name for my girl) "My Life on the D-List," but I’d never seen her perform live. Cynic that I am, of course I had some reservations. Is she really as funny as she seems on TV or is she just a product of brilliant editing? Can you really sustain an audience’s interest throughout an evening solely based in trash talk, complaining and gossip-mongering (actually, I know the answer is “yes” based on most social events I attend in the city - at least the ones skewed toward the gay demographic)? Did I want to attend her stand-up act only to be disappointed and have my idealized vision of Kathy’s quick wit and brilliant bitchiness forever destroyed? What if she actually sucks? What if she’s just not that funny? I mean, my friends are some of the cattiest bitches around. I have some friggin’ high standards when it comes to trash talk. So with extreme excitement and just a touch of trepidation, lest I witness the downfall of a personal icon, Trish and I headed to ghetto chic downtown Newark and the NJPAC.

First of all, I have never seen so many faggots in downtown Newark ever. I’m sure there were plenty of “WTF?’s” from the locals as well as from the staff at NJPAC. I mean, a Village People concert is probably less gay than Kathy’s audience. But girlfriend, the Jersey gays are not NYC gays, that’s for damn sure. I’ve always prided myself in not being one of those cookie cutter homos who is overly judgmental and all about style over substance. If you doubt that, ask Chris and Dan about having to pry my ten-year-old cargo pants from my death grip. I still feel the hole in my heart and in my closet. And don’t even get Trish started on my dress socks. I mean, who sees your socks anyway? But seriously, the Jersey gays do not know how to dress. You’re going to an event at NJPAC, for God’s sake! I mean, I’m not saying you need to break out the tux, but don’t look like a homeless person. Have some dignity, people. We have a reputation to uphold. And fag hags, and I mean that as a term of endearment, please buy clothes that fit you - not the size you wish you were. And I’m really not being mean. I’ve definitely packed on the pounds in the last year, but I don’t try to force my fat ass into size 32’s anymore.

Well, I’m happy to report that Kathy did not disappoint. Again, the reason her trash comedy works is that she always genuinely seems to mean what she says. If she likes someone, she’s unabashedly honest about it. If someone bothers her, she doesn’t give a f*ck who knows it. I think her true appeal is that secretly, most people wish they could be as open and honest as she is all the time.

My only complaint is that the show started way late and our seats were in the Himalayas. We could barely even see Kathy. For all I know, it was a midget in drag lip-synching to a recording. Of course, that’s my fault, since I was being a cheap skate that weak and opted for the nosebleeds. And talk about vertigo, I nearly threw up all over the lovely couple sitting next to me. A straight couple. Yes, there were a few of those in the audience as well. Straights need their comedy, too.

I heart Kathy Griffin

Yes, she's a total bitch, but that's why I love her. She's also completely honest and I'll take complete honesty over a gaggle of back-stabbing queens any day. Anyway, Trish and I headed back to school last night, to The Producers Guild East's seminar with comedian Kathy Griffin and the producers of her Emmy award-winning series, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List at NYU's Cantor film center downtown. The price was right, free, and we didn't really have anything else planned. Sorry, Kathy, if I had been offered free drinks at happy hour someplace, you'd have had two empty seats at your seminar. The funny part of the event was that it only reinforced how "D-list" Kathy really is. While Trish was in the lobby bathroom - aka Kathy's dressing room - Kathy and her producers were discussing the format of the evening and freshening up. Yes, NYU couldn't give Kathy a room somewhere, but banished her to the public restroom. Trish had to push her way past Kathy and her producers, between the stall and the sink in the tiny bathroom, to wash her hands during Kathy's prep meeting! Totally D-list! Anyway, she was extremely cool, and down to earth. It was nice to see that she really is as spontaneous and funny in person as she is on her show and that it's just not good editing.