AUDITION HELL PART 2: Do you hear the people sing...

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Audition Hell: A recollection of my very worst audition experiences. You're welcome! 

Remember way back in 1996 when there was that big uproar at Equity because Les Mis was going to fire most of the existing Broadway company? The production team thought the cast of the already 9-year-old show was suffering from long-run-itis and they wanted to inject the company with some fresh blood (not to mention that many of the actors cast in their 30s were now in their 40s and still playing students).

Like every other singer/actor within a 1000 mile radius of NYC, I signed up for the ECC. I showed up and waited all day to get my 30 seconds of face time with who I assumed was some lowly intern made to sit through a day of Les Miz auditions as part of some sick casting agent hazing ritual. But lo and behold, a few days later I received a callback for that upcoming weekend at the historic 890 Broadway building (once owned by Michael Bennett).

I should have known something was up due to the odd scheduling and audition location. But I was young and stupid. I showed up at the audition set to sing "No More" from Into the Woods. I know, horrible choice, but in my youthful arrogance I thought I was going to wow them with my cerebral choice of Sondheim.

Anyway, the monitor approached me and the two other people who had been called during my time slot. He handed us a sheet of paper and said, "Here's who's in the room today." It read:

Cameron Mackintosh, Producer
John Caird, Director
Claude-Michel Schonberg, Music
Alain Boublil, Book

There were more names, but I had tunnel vision and everything around those names was just a blur. One of my audition companions appropriately uttered, "Holy shit!" under her breath. And I nearly did wholely shit my pants on the spot. This could possibly be the single most important audition of my life.

I entered a cavernous room with the world's longest table set-up. There were literally dozens of people sitting behind it all smiling politely at me. Standing and leaning against the piano was a distinguished gentlemen who appeared to be reading my resume.

"Hi Fausto. I'm John Caird. How are you today?"

I almost soiled my panties a second time. He then proceeded to ask me questions about my family, about my schooling and other random personal questions. After what seemed like hours (probably 2 minutes tops), he asked me to sing.

I showed the accompanist my cuts, walked back to my spot, nodded and listened to the intro.

"No more ques-(voice cracks)-tions, please..."

Yes, in front of the entire Les Mis creative team I did the one thing I have never, ever done during an audition (before or since). It wasn't even a high note. But it was too late. I was mortified. I completely lost focus and could only think about that one splattered note through the whole audition. In my defense, I was only a few years out of school and didn't have the experience or emotional fortitude to just shrug it off and I'm sure it showed.

I finished my song and Mr. Caird gave me a polite "thank you."

Holding back tears I fled the building dejected.  At the time I thought my professional life was over, so I just went home to cry and eat Ben & Jerry's.

Epilogue: Since that first fateful audition, I eventually got my shit together and was called in several times for Les Mis (including a couple of times specifically for Marius).  I never booked it, but I guess that splat wasn't as horrible as I thought.  Either that, or casting agents have very short memories.

AUDITION HELL PART 1: Dissed by Paul Gemignani

I know this blog is a bit schizo when it comes to content.  I mean, where else can you read about my family vacation to Sicily and then click on a review for the off-Broadway production of Far From Heaven?  But since theatre did consume my life for the better part of a decade, it seems appropriate to share some of my most soul-crushing audition stories for your enjoyment and ridicule in a new series of posts.  Everyone loves a little schadenfreude, right?  So here goes...

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Dissed by Paul Gemignani

To say I was overjoyed when Roundabout announced it was producing the first Broadway revival of Sondheim's groundbreaking musical, Pacific Overtures, would be an understatement.  The show seemed a perfect fit for me, especially in the post-Miss Saigon era of ethnically correct casting.  They'd need a large ensemble of excellent Asian singing actors.  In other words, they needed ME.

I jumped through the required ECC hoops and was thrilled to get a callback.  Since I assumed most people would be singing serious, dramatic material, I decided to try a different approach by choosing Gershwin's "They All Laughed" because like Sondheim, it's lyric-heavy but it's also light and shows personality.

I arrived at Ripley-Grier and headed to the assigned audition studio.  Upon arriving I learned that the great one himself, Paul Gemignani, was in the room.  Yes, the legendary Sondheim collaborator and musical director of some of Broadway's greatest musicals (Follies, Sweeney Todd, A Little Night Music, Evita, Crazy For You, Into the Woods, Merrily..., Sundy in the Park... et al -- not to mention the original Broadway production of Pacific Overtures) was behind that closed door and waiting to discover me.

Though nervous, I pulled my shit together enough to give what a thought was a pretty solid audition.  I thanked the panel and went to collect my book from the accompanist.  But Mr. Gemignani stopped me and (gasp) asked me to sing something else.

Holy shit!  Paul Gemignani asked me for another song.  Might as well hand me that kimono and white pancake make-up right now, because this fucker is mine.

I honestly can't remember what a chose as a second song.  I've probably blocked it out because of the traumatic memories it conjures up.  What I do remember is starting that second song brimming with confidence and energy.  Then about fifteen seconds into it I noticed Mr. Gemignani waving his hand, signaling for me to stop singing.

OK, whatever.  He was likely so dazzled by my vocal brilliance that he'll probably offer me a contract on the spot, right?

Wrong.  Without looking up from the sheet he was scribbling on, the great Paul Gemignani said, "Thank you, but you should have quit while you were ahead."

More sad tales of failure to come!!!

Danced in my scanties / Three bucks a night was the pay / But I'm here...

If you don't know that quote, your rainbow membership is hereby revoked by order of The Friends of Dorothy.

But yes, I'm still here but extremely busy, so I haven't been quite as prolific with posting recently.  So much has happened since the ball dropped on 2012 that I don't even know how to start filling you in on my latest adventures.  I guess I'll just start typing and hope to finish before I need some lunch or before some selfish banker type interrupts my "me" time with a trivial request to book travel for some multi-billion dollar IPO.  Anyhoo...

Juan, Val and I spent several agonizing days in January locked in the mold-friendly walls of the CDC theatre auditioning folks who apparently cannot count to 16 (all you non-theatre folks, don't worry, you're not meant to get that reference).  The question weighing most heavily in people's minds was why we bothered to audition our sister, Trish, instead of just handing her the role of Carrie.  Well, because unlike most community theatre in New Jersey - and probably the nation at large - we actually don't pre-cast our shows.  I know, a bold and original concept, but we're crazy that way.

Sis was wonderful, of course.  But as they say in the casting biz, there was someone else who auditioned that turned out to be a better fit.  And yes, she still talks to us.

Our biggest surprise was the pathetic turn out for the auditions.  Is there seriously a baritone alive who would not sell his soul to play Billy Bigelow?  This, my friends, is the community-theatre-versus-professional-theatre conundrum.  An audition for Carousel in NYC would cause a stampede of "Julie"s and "Billy"s to storm the AEA audition center.  In Cranford, NJ, not so much.  It seems musical theatre's legacy is in the hands of performers who don't wish to appear in a show written before 1990 or that has the adjective "legit" in any way, shape or form associated with it.  Are we destined for a future filled with musicals based on mediocre films?  Dear God, what's next, Ghost the Musical?  Oh, wait...

We're now three weeks into rehearsals and though most of the first act is blocked, we still don't have a full cast.  Yup, we like to play on the edge.  We're kooky like that.  Fingers crossed that our potential new Jigger works out.  Otherwise, we're sort of fucked. 

In other news, the audition requests for our summer high school production of Legally Blonde are pouring in.  I can't wait to watch fourteen and fifteen-year-old girls try to act like sexy sorority co-eds!  I smell a law suit.

Believe it or not, I have yet to watch an episode of "Smash".  I'm all for promoting musical theatre on national TV, but the idea that Katharine McPhee would wow any panel of jaded Broadway professionals (singing Christina Aguilera, natch) is dubious, to say the least.  Instead, I choose to waste the precious few moments of my free time in the ultra realistic milieu of a post-apocalyptic world filled with "The Walking Dead."  Yes, I'll choose a real zombie over Katharine McPhee anyday.

Stay tuned for reviews of How to Succeed (viewing #2 with Nick Jonas), Merrily We Roll Along at Encores! and On a Clear Day You Can See Forever.

I'm going to be in a writing frenzy over the next few days, so you'll have plenty of bed time reading material coming your way shortly.

Audition hell

Our Summer Conservatory production of Crazy for You basically cast itself.  How?  Well, when you pick a tap show requiring incredible triple threat high school performers for all roles, the casting options are understandably limited.  The Pineda Four (me, Juan, Val and Trish) plus the always cheery Señor Chris and Mr. Dan held our last round of auditions and callbacks this past weekend in a marathon two-day session. 

I was actually surprised at the number of girls with serious dance training and not just eight years of jazz from Miss Nancy’s School of Dance* and Pageant Training (totally fictional, of course).  I say that now, after auditioning almost a decade’s worth of summer and community theatre shows where some girls list 5 years of jazz, 7 years of ballet and 6 years of tap training on their resume only to stare in horror when I ask them to chaine across the floor.  But that is a rant for another time. 

As always, there was no shortage of girls at the audition and we ended up with multiple choices for each role.  The boys? - not so much.  For those lucky enough to possess a penis, a role was virtually guaranteed due to the sheer number of male roles in the show. 

Unfortunately, Val’s plan to throw some gal’s into the ensemble in the Western scenes hit a slight snafu when she realized the script kept mentioning Polly as the only woman in the whole town.  Surely not a self-esteem builder for any young lady she might have chosen to add to these scenes.  And yes, Trish and I were aware of this fact when Val first brought the idea up, but knowing her mental state before the auditions (she’s currently also rehearsing two other shows), I thought it best she experience her own personal epiphany.  Besides, she was just so gung-ho about the idea, I couldn’t bear to be the one to burst her bubble. 

My favorite, and coincidentally most uncomfortable, audition moment occurred during the callbacks for Irene, the snobby socialite who eventually finds her inner Marilyn Monroe.  Señor Chris taught the girls a “sexy” chair dance to “Naughty Baby.”  Suffice it to say, I foresee some very lucrative careers ahead for some of these ladies at Flashdancers.

The offers have all gone out and we are now eagerly awaiting the inevitable angry, disappointed and/or tear-filled facebook statuses to follow.  It’s tough shattering the dreams of dozens of New Jersey teenagers. 

*Disclaimer:  Can you believe there is an actual Nancy’s School of Dance in D’Iberville, MS?!  I googled it out of curiosity shortly after completing this blog entry.  I’m sure the training there is impeccable.**

**Per my lawyer.  J 

Traviata auditions

Quite a mixed bag today at La Traviata auditions. Val and Audrey (one of our Board members) trudged into the city in our search for a Flora, Dr. Grenvil and Alfredo. Fingers and toes were firmly crossed in hopes of finding that elusive creature - an attractive, svelte and talented tenor. Well, several candidates filled at least two of the three criteria, but one firmly rose above the competition. Unfortunately, until I receive the confirmation from Val I can’t disclose names, so stay tuned. We were also happily surprised to hear two wonderful mezzos today. Hopefully, one will take our offer. Still no Dr. Grenvil, so basses and bass-baritones email us pronto.

It’s nice to see that opera is starting to catch up with the rest of the performing arts world in that singers are starting to pay more attention to their physiques. Not that I’m opposed to casting a full-figured singer - Lord knows my center of gravity has widened over the years - but it’s just plain silly to believe that an audience doesn’t notice when the tragic young lovers are clearly menopausal and unable to reach around one another during that last tearful embrace.

This year’s crop of headshots didn’t suck too badly either, no crazy glamour shots or picture taken before 1980. Trust me, people, no matter how good or bad your shot is, we’re eventually going to see you in person. You ain’t fooling anybody with that unnatural head angle or by photo shopping your nose down to a respectable size.

Day from hell - callbacks

An act and a half of Beauty and the Beast, five hours of callbacks for On The Town and then two more hours of debating about casting - need I say more? Well, I’m going to anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of my B&B kids and they deserve the huge crowds and audience adulation they receive, but you try sitting through any show seven times in a row daily. I don’t care what it is or who’s in it! Well, maybe if Audra was in it I could manage, but even after seven nights of her, I’d be saying, “Bring it, girlfriend.”

Worse was our callback. The talent level this year was freakishly high. There are going to be some pissed off kids after casting comes out. The problem, which I guess is a “problem” that any director would love to have, is that there are literally three, four and in some cases five kids that could kick-ass in any one of the several lead roles. Unfortunately, the show is just too big to double cast all the roles and still expect to get up and running in under three weeks.

Our main problem this year is that several kids were obviously campaigning for specific roles. In theory, this isn’t really a problem, except for the fact that the same kids then purposely did a sh*tty job at the callbacks for the roles they didn’t want. Now, I understand these kids are young and inexperienced - and I don’t mean stage experience, I mean life and professional experience. But really? If these kids had any real balls, they’d be honest and just say, “I appreciate you thinking of me for such-and-such, but I’d only like to be considered for so-and-so.” Please, I’ve gone to auditions and specified what roles I’d be interested in. And yes, sometimes I’ve walked away empty-handed, but at least I walked away with integrity and knowledge that the producers/directors can respect me for being up front. And of course, just because YOU think you’d be perfect for something, doesn’t mean you are. If I’ve learned anything from my years of performing and auditioning, it’s that there’s always someone just as talented (and usually better looking and with tighter abs - LOL) just waiting for you to f*ck up - so why f*ck up intentionally?

But alas, we’re not hiring actors for a professional production and these kids are paying to be in our production. But it’s still annoying. We’ve known these kids for years and know their talent and capabilities. It’s quite naïve of them to think they’re fooling us. *Sigh* One day it will bite them in the a*s when this audition “method” backfires and they just don’t get hired at all. Oh well, live and learn.

HSM Audtions and Oprah

Well, we’ve almost got a full cast for HSM. I have to admit, the auditions were pretty painful to sit through. Not because there was a lack of talent, but because teenagers (and 20- and 30-something’s who think they pass for teenagers) are freakishly obsessed with it and therefore set up unrealistic expectations for themselves. There are four leads. The chances are you’re not going to get cast as one. It’s not mean, it’s math. I’m not trying to dash young dreams, but a bit of a reality check may be in order. When I read the listings on Actors’ Equity, if the breakdown for a role doesn’t sound like a perfect fit for me, I’ll skip it or be resigned to use the audition to practice for a real audition that I know I’ll be perfect for. I, in no way, set up some strange unrealistic expectation that even though I’m too old, too fat, too ugly, too Asian or too [insert appropriate adjective here] for the role in question, my overwhelming talent will force the casting people to just overlook my physical shortcomings. We might as well start ‘em off early and let ‘em know that theatre is all about perception, with talent coming in a distant second (or even third).

I guess I’m being a bit of a jaded old queen, but it’s probably a result of all the turndowns we’ve been getting from perspective ensemble members. Everyone wants to be the star - yes, even humble little moi (I hear you all snickering) - but it’s so depressing to be rejected by our second and even third choices who I'm sure are simply outraged at not being offered lead roles (see above paragraph). Get over it people! Hilary did. The lead in your little production of Gypsy at Random NJHS does not make you a Broadway star. Big-fish-small-pond syndrome is not attractive. So what started out as excitement at the thought of having an incredible supporting ensemble, has now morphed into growing panic. I know it will work out in the end, but it still doesn’t squelch that dream for my ideal cast.

The whole situation reminds me of the story my friend, Chris, told me about his first day of rehearsals for Troika’s national tour of Grease (which, incidentally, I joined about five months into its run when the cast started dropping like flies, but I’ll save those stories for a day when I’m really strapped for blog fodder). The cast gathered together and the producers warmly welcomed everyone by saying how pleased they were to have been able to cast all their “first choices.” Of course, the NYC theatre circle being the tiny zit that it is, everyone in the cast knew someone who had already turned it down! First choice, my ass! And still, it turned out to be a pretty darn good cast - until they all started jumping ship, of course.

So I guess the moral is that everything happens for a reason and that I should keep an open mind, stay positive. Ugh, I can’t believe I just typed that. I hate all that Oprah-esque bullsh*t, especially since she could buy the cast she wanted without even having an audition. I wish I was Oprah, or at least had Oprah’s stock portfolio.

A Chorus Call (a sequel to A Chorus Line)

I found this scene-lette on a post at All That Chat and laughed so hard because I've totally heard bits and pieces of all these conversations at auditions (granted with different celebrity names, but same intent). The poster did not reveal the name of the author so I cannot credit this brilliant character study. Sadly, it's not an exaggeration and one of the reasons I always bring a book or headphones to auditions and try to block out everything else. And people wonder where the flaming chorus boy stereotype comes from.

Chorus Call (Sitting in an audition room for a male chorus call, three flamboyant chorus boys sit waiting to be seen.)

1: And then my boyfriend broke up with me and started dating my roommate, so he’s like, still living with us, he just sleeps in my roommate’s room.
2: Ohmygod, that sucks.
3: Is he an actor?
1: Yeah, NYU.
3: Stella Adler or Meisner?
1: Meisner.
3: What an a***hole.
1: Ohmygod, I hate chorus calls.
2: I know, this fu***ng sucks.
3: I shoulda' brought my book.
1: It’s like being at a gay bar with no liquor or music.
2: What book are you reading?
3: "Out of Sync" by Lance Bass.
1: Ohmygod, I read that whole thing in like, one day, it’s sooo freaking good!
3: I know, right? What was your favorite part?
1: I don’t know, the whole thing… I guess.
2: I’ve heard some of the music for this show and it sounds a-MAH-zing.
1: Where’d you hear it? I heard they’re not done writing it yet.
2: Sorry, I have connections. A "friend" if you will.
3: I think it’s really cool that they’re making a musical version of "Lucas".
1: Ohmygod, Charlie Sheen is so hot in the movie. I just wanna' lick his nipples.
3: I heard they’re getting Ashlee Simpson to play that girl from "The Goonies". The pretty one. A really good friend of mine is like Ashlee’s best friend. I’ve talked to Ashlee on the phone before.
2: I met Jessica Simpson at a party once. She got drunk and gave me her phone number.
1: Ohmygod, I love it when famous people give me their phone numbers.
3: That happens to you, too?
1: Well, yeah. When I’m like, catering or something, celebs are always like, "Oh you’re doing such a good job and you’re fun," and then they give me their phone number.
(Beat. 1 does a couple vocal warm ups [hums, blows out his lips, etc.])
2: Ohmygod, I hate chorus calls.
3: I know, right?
2: Going to a male chorus call is like going to Splash on Musical Monday…
(The other two give approval, "Oh, I love Musical Monday..")
2: Only everybody’s drinking bottled water...
(Gasp.)
2: And they’re only playing "Rent"…
(Approval.)
2: But you can’t sing along.
(Scream.)
1: Girl, don’t be talkin’ like that!
3: Isn’t "Lucas" the one where Corey Feldman plays with locusts and tries out for the football team, and like, almost dies in the end?
1: I think it was the other Corey. Corey Haim.
3: Or was it Sean Astin?
2: Anthony Michael Hall.
1: Winona Ryder.
3: Who cares, it was Charlie Sheen and the girl from "The Goonies."
ALL: The pretty one.
3: Anyway, my agent says I’m a definite shoo-in for it.
2: Which agent are you with?
3: …Martin… Von… Himmer… Steinen… Berg.
2: Oh, I’ve heard of him.
3: Yeah, he’s Raul Esparza’s agent. Raul is like one of my bff’s, so he recommended me.
2: That’s so sweet of him.
3: I know, right?
1: Ohmygod, Raul Esparza is so fu***ng hot, every time I Youtube him singing "Being Alive" on The Tonys I just j**z everywhere.
2: So like, one of my best friends is really good friends with Paula Abdul, and she said that they’re getting David Archuleta to play Lucas.
1 & 3: Awwww…
1: So what are you guys singing today?
2: Well, I was having Starbucks with Megan Mullally the other day and she said to sing "Walk of Life" by Dire Straits because it’s in the movie, and it’ll like, you know, put me in the scene.
(3 gets a text message.)
3: Ohmygod… I love it when Patti LuPone drunk texts me.
1: Ohmygod, I wanna read it.
3: Oops, I just erased it. Sh*t.
2: She’s drunk at 2 in the afternoon?
3: Yeah, well if you knew Patti the way I know Patti… Biiig lush.
1: I know, I was helping Bernadette Peters pick out new hair extensions the other day, and after that, we went back to her place and she totally drinks her vodka straight.
2: I love Bernadette.
1: The woman is 74 years old, people.
2: I know, I was doing cocaine with Angela Lansbury the other day, and she was talking about what a huge bitch Sutton Foster is…
3: I know, I was spe**nking with Rosie O’Donnell the other day, and she said –
2: Bob Saget gives amazing h**d.
1: I fu**ed Alan Cumming in a back alley on Christopher Street !
(Beat)
2 & 3: Um, yeah who hasn’t?
(A female monitor enters and makes an announcement.)
Monitor: Gentlemen, may I have your attention? They have decided they will not be seeing any non-equity people today. I know you’ve all been here since 5am, but since you are non-union, we don’t really see you as a person, so until that happens, you can all suck it. Thank you.
(She exits.)
3: Shit. I missed a Theatreworks callback for this.
1: Anybody wanna go second act "Spring Awakening"?
2: Totally, one of my best friends is in it, he’ll get us to sit onstage.
(They exit.)

Curtain

Never ending rehearsals, Anything Goes and Les Mis casting

My life right now is an endless loop of rehearsals - first Madama Butterfly, now Oklahoma and starting next week, Pirates of Penzance. I have to admit the Butterfly cast spoiled me. All eight principals were off book from the start of rehearsal. Unlike my Oklahoma cast where only one principal, our Laury, has ever shown up off book. It’s been painfully obvious that some have even shown up to rehearsal never having read through the script. Really? I mean, if you’re cast as the lead of a show I’d think you’d at least read through the damn book so you’d know what the hell was going on. I understand that it’s community theater, but still. Work ethic, anyone? Hopefully, this will improve since we’ve asked the stage manager to send out an email requiring cast to be off book by the end of the month. I’m probably being harsh, but it’s odd when someone else’s “hobby” is your life’s vocation. Regardless, it’s no excuse considering everyone in the Butterfly cast, although granted they are professional singers, all have day jobs as well. And the score to Butterfly is way more difficult and in a foreign language to boot! I mean, how can you call yourself a musical theater performer, pro or not, and not know the lyrics to the title song of Oklahoma!? I even know them in Chinese for God’s sake (I used it to audition for Broadway’s Thoroughly Modern Millie and got called back). On an up-note, "Kansas City" is basically staged and choreographed, so that’s one dance number crossed off the list - only three more and a ballet to go!

Saturday night Trish, Val and I went to Westfield High School’s production of Anything Goes. As I’ve stated in earlier posts, I’m trying to be somewhat restrained when commenting on “non-professional” shows since so many of our kids are involved in them. Before going further, I want to make it clear that we did enjoy the show and thought that most of the performances were excellent. But I do have a few “what the f*ck?” items that I need to at least air out so that I can move on. First, when did “move center stage and sing directly at the audience” become an acceptable direction for a song in a musical? Reno, whose belt was off the hook and definitely has the chops to pursue musical theater professionally, impressed despite some horrific direction. She had to deliver “I Get a Kick Out of You” way across the stage from Billy Crocker (the “kickee”) and straight out to the audience while Billy sat facing away from and ignoring her. Did the song take place in her head? Was it a dream sequence? Was Billy temporarily deafened by Reno’s belt? Note to director: Reno’s trying to seduce Billy. In this version, she was trying to seduce him telepathically from across the stage. More odd was that some songs were "correctly" directed as "scenes-set-to-music" while others received the “stand-center-and-sing-out-Louise" treatment. Luckily, most of the performers overcame the bad direction through sheer talent. I won’t mention the choreography, except to say that a good choreographer will find a way to make everyone look good and include everyone in production numbers. Not just six people, who although executed impressive sounding taps, were rendered with bland movement (how’s that for passive-aggressive commentary?). I know several “good-movers” and dancers in the show who were relegated to the back row as scenery or just plain left off the stage. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but the opening number to our Millie last summer was way more impressive yet probably not as technically difficult as any number in Anything Goes while still allowing the entire cast to perform. Although the ship set was impressive, it begged the question, “Did you spend all your money on your top deck and run out of money for costumes?” Several girls who I know to be quite slim and pretty looked like dowdy middle-aged women in shapeless sacks. I apologize if that was the “look” they were going for, but I highly doubt it. I am happy to say that three of our students, Billy Geltzheiler, Ellen Scariati and Mia Pafumi all created extremely funny, well-sung and well-developed characters (pat on the Pinedas' collective back) despite many hurdles. I also have to give props to the men in the show who were all extremely strong and gave their female counterparts a run for their money onstage.

Also this weekend, we finally cast Les Mis. After a long morning of auditions (having had three audition dates prior to this weekend) and a node-inducing callback we finally sent out all of the offer letters by midnight on Saturday. To date, it’s been the most difficult show for us to cast since the talent was ridiculously high this year. Any number of the young actors could play these roles successfully. It really boiled down to who “fit” the role best, vocally and type-wise, for how we envision the production to look and sound. It’s both a luxury and a curse to have more than one (or three or four) people of equal talent to choose from. I’m actually very excited to start rehearsals since I have no doubt this show is going to be pretty incredible. Now how are we going to build that friggin’ barricade?!?

I Miss My Weekends...

So another crazy weekend of rehearsals, auditions and random crap. Friday night - three hours of Madama Butterfly rehearsal, Saturday - was a live dress form for Val's kimono pattern and watched DVD's of old MB performances ad nauseum, Sunday - three more hours of MB rehearsal followed by four hours of auditions for our summer theatre program. A weekend in the country, this was not. Looking at my worn wall calendar (I'm old school, I actually write down my schedule - yes, with one of those long, skinny yellow things filled with lead - on a huge wall calendar in the kitchen), it appears I won't have a free weekend until May! Good Lord, May! So much for taking a break from the "business."

The good news is that MB is shaping up to be quite a spectacular production. Everyone in the cast has a huge voice and that little theatre is going to get it's roof blown off. I still can't believe that the theatre's regular tenant, CDC, uses mic's for all their shows. I can understand using mic’s for rock shows or for shows with more modern orchestrations, but we had a twenty piece orchestra for Fledermaus and there was no problem hearing any of those singers. Oh well, I guess the days of unamplified singing in musical theatre are over.

Auditions for the summer are crazy! It's obvious that high school students are way better trained than I was at that age. Either that, or I was the only geek interested in musical theatre, because I don't remember talent like this in high school. Unfortunately, Cameron Mackintosh may screw our program over and not give us the rights to Les Mis school addition for the summer. I guess a bunch of high school kids 80 miles away in Cranford, NJ are a major threat to ticket sales of a proposed National Tour sit-down in Philadelphia. We should be so lucky.

Anyway, I think the highlight of the whole weekend was running out to White Castle late Sunday night and purchasing the 30-burger case with fries, onion rings and shakes. They sure tasted good going down, but were considerably less pleasant on the way out this morning. I think I definitely need to get my fat a** down to the gym again. I think I'm going on 18 months sans workout! Pretty sad for someone who used to be a gym rat. Oh well, six-pack abs are highly overrated.

More Auditions

After enduring Oklahoma! auditions just a couple of weeks ago, the Pineda team once again found themselves munching Doritos and chugging diet Coke behind the table for another round of pitchy singing and bad acting. To be fair, there were several very good auditions sprinkled throughout the weekend. Friday night was for the opera company’s Young Artist production of Pirates of Penzance. Definitely, a lot of unrefined talent and enthusiasm on display, but not much lead material. More surprising was the attendance. Though we didn’t advertise the audition in any publication other than the opera company’s yahoo group list, over 30 kids showed up! We were expecting around 15. I mean, it’s Pirates?

Sunday was the first day of auditions for our new Summer Theatre Conservatory. We deliberately held only a specific number of audition spots for each day (there are three days total) so we didn’t have to rush anybody and so that we could really spend time with each kid. I don’t know what parallel universe we auditioned in, but we actually had an equal number of boys and girls sign up. On top of that, the boys far out-sang, out-acted and plain out-auditioned the ladies. It will definitely be an interesting summer. Unfortunately, there are so many male parts in the show, we will never have too many boys audition. Hopefully, today’s audition will reflect the quality of our next two audition days later in the month. One thing is clear, people still LOVE Les Mis.

It's Finally Over...(at least until tomorrow)

Oklahoma! auditions are finally over and we actually have a cast that doesn't suck.  In fact, if all our leads accept their offers we're going to have a surprisingly excellent show.  I know that sounds totally condescending but I honestly didn't come into this audition process with high hopes considering the previous productions I'd seen at CDC.  Not that I'm trashing the theater.  The last production I saw there, Summer of '42, would rival many productions at "professional" theater companies.  But their Secret Garden was almost painful to sit through.  And I know that just like any other theater (or business, for that matter) politics plays an immense part in casting and hiring.  But after seeing the talent that came out for our auditions, there really is no excuse for some of the casting travesties I've seen on that stage.  Of course, the callbacks weren't all smooth sailing.  There was a heck of a lot of drama going on that day, and not all of it good; but all very exciting and gossip-worthy.

First of all, the casting of the leads was a major surprise to us as well as to some of the auditioners (and certainly to some of the regular CDC staff).  Our last day of callbacks brought out a couple of new faces that literally wiped out the competition.  The role of Curly ended up going to a young college theater student who swept in and basically dominated the callback with an overall superior acting, singing and dancing audition.  We offered Laurie to a young actress that we didn't expect would "bring it" at the callbacks.  Our prayers for a Judd were answered when a gentleman who had "never been cast in a role" at the theater before out-acted just about everyone else at the callback.  A pair of Filipinos, shocked to be called back for "white" roles, impressed with sheer enthusiasm and raw talent.  

So after seeing the actual talent that shows up to auditions versus the talent that I've seen in past CDC productions, it is obvious that something other than talent is the major deciding factor in the casting of the shows I've seen at CDC.  Now I'm not naive enough to think that there are no politics involved in casting a show, but there is a difference between choosing a known commodity over an unknown commodity and blatant nepotism.  I will even admit that we came into the callback process with a Laurie basically pre-cast.  But after a day of callbacks, it became clear that a certain actress who initially was not at the top of our list suddenly became the girl to beat.  And although we certainly could have gone with our original choice and still came up with a hell of a show, we'd look like blatant hypocrites if we didn't choose the other actress.  Unfortunately, not everyone can be the lead and there were several extremely disappointed people.  But major reality check folks - rejection is part of the business. Get a thicker skin or be resigned to playing lead roles in third and fourth tier companies.  

Anyway, the craziness has just begun.  More audition hell is to come with Pirates and the Summer Conservatory and Madama Butterfly starts rehearsals in two weeks (with almost a full cast)!  

Butterfly Men

I'm exhausted and excited because we're two men closer to having a full cast for Madama Butterfly.  Good thing, since we start rehearsals in two weeks!   In another "small world" experience, the first to audition, John Taylor, had heard good things about our company from one of our favorite singers, Michelle Trovato, a sickly talented soprano who was in our fall production of Fledermaus.  The second, Judd Ernster, went to MSM with Val and I and coaches with one of Kam's (our Butterfly) former coaches in Philadelphia.  Luckily, both were in great voice and we happily offered them the Bonze and Commissioner respectively.  Now I think we only have the cousin and the uncle to take care of.  I'm not getting too hopeful since if we ever had a full cast set before any one of our operas, I'd know Armageddon was surely close at hand.

O - K - L - A - etc. etc. Part II

Wow - another evening in the Twilight Zone known as community theater. Day three of Oklahoma! auditions sputtered along without major mishap. Surprisingly, most auditioners were at least of average quality and the only real stinkers were a couple of small children who obviously were forced to audition by a sadistic parent. Shame on all you Mama Roses. Once again, the award for most obnoxious auditioner goes to an older woman who refused to give me a 16-bar cut.

Me: What’s your cut?
Her: (Walking up to me reeking of cigarette smoke) Just start at the beginning.
Me: They want 16-bars.
Her: I’ll go until they stop me.
Me: No. I need your cut.
Her: I don’t know.
Me: Ok, sing to here. (pointing to a spot way more than 16 bars)
Her: Fine. (walking away obviously annoyed and giving attitude)

Hello people - what’s not to understand about “Please have a 16-bar cut prepared”? She obviously didn’t get a call back and not because she gave attitude, but because she gave attitude AND auditioned poorly.

Note to divas: if you are going to be a bitch at auditions, you better back that shit up with amazing talent or looks (or preferably both).

Saturday we start our first round of callbacks. I’m sure there will be much more to talk about then. Meanwhile, next week we begin auditions for our Young Artists production of Pirates and the following week we begin auditions for the newly formed Pineda Summer Theater Conservatory production of Les Miserables. Then I start rehearsals for Madama Butterfly. I can’t wait until May when I get a month off and just have to work my day job.

O - K - L - A - H - O - M - A...

I’m back to the NYC grind after two truly exhausting days of auditions for a community theater production of Oklahoma! that I’m choreographing and Juan is directing in NJ. Oh, the joys of community theater! To think I used to make fun of Equity actors auditioning for roles that they were clearly inappropriate for. Well at the community theater level, the inappropriate-factor is at least quadrupled. In fact, I think some of those community theater people are downright delusional - unless of course, we were actually looking for a geriatric Ado Annie or non-singing Laurie. I guess I shouldn’t be so flippant, considering that some truly talented actors did audition for us. It’s actually quite disturbing to see how amateurs (not meant to be derogatory) react when scrutinized by directors/performers with a higher level of experience only because it shows how badly musical theater performers are being trained/coached.

Apparently, 16-bar cuts are not the norm outside of so-called “professional” theaters. After several non-compliant singers, Val went out to the waiting room and announced once again that we were honoring a strict 16-bar policy. By the shocked looks on some of the faces, you’d have thought we asked people to chop off a leg. No matter, some sly older woman - and that’s being nice - decided she’d be able to slide by the measure count. After I asked, “What is your 16-bar cut?” She conveniently pretended not to hear me and headed to the stage. She then proceeded to glare at me all through her audition because I was apparently not playing “her tempos,” which she again conveniently failed to provide. So I conveniently stopped playing. God, I am one mean bitch. She trailed off with, “I’m just a girl (real loud) who cain’t (softer, after realizing there was no more piano accompaniment) say no (much quieter and pitch trailing off).” And then just stared out at us in sad, embarrassed silence. Irony alert: 50-year old woman singing “I Cain’t Say ‘No’”!?!?!

One producer, who shall remain nameless, blatantly made fun of a 13-year old girl’s voluminous pageant coif. Now I don’t claim to be above cattiness, in fact it’s one of my better assets, but I will be the first to swallow my pride and admit when I am wrong. And this young ‘un certainly forced me to promptly insert foot in mouth after singing and dancing circles around the other adult actors. No such luck with said producer, who, at the post audition meeting refused to back down and blasted the 13-year old because she could “hear her breathe.” I don’t want get nasty, but could it be possible that said producer was slightly intimidated that this young girl had twice the personality and charisma (and hair) of this producer’s relative who was also auditioning for the show? I'm not naming any names, but someone should be having crow for dinner tonight followed by a fat slice of humble pie a la mode.

Anyhoo, for any of you planning to audition for anything in the future be it community theater or professional theater, here is a random list of notes taken from yesterday's audition experience:

• Read the audition notice and prepare the material the theater requests of you. If you can’t prove you can sing in 16-bars, you won’t do it in 32.
• If the notice clearly states “prepare to move,” do not show up in a suit and tie and then not bring clothes to move in.
• Yes, you can “act” in 16 bars. So do it! Don’t just stand there.
• Be nice to the accompanist even if he/she does screw up. Do not glare at them or give attitude. Always take responsibility for everything. Trust me, they (meaning me) know when they (meaning me again) have screwed up.
• If you offer more than one selection and are asked which you prefer, do NOT answer “It doesn’t matter.” Pick one. It wastes our time.
• Always give your tempo to the accompanist. He/she is not a mind reader.
• Always check that you have not cut off the bass clef at the bottom of photocopied music.

I'm looking forward to adding to the list tomorrow when we host our last night of auditions. I'm sure I'll have more stories and gossip to report then.