AUDITION HELL PART 2: Do you hear the people sing...

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Audition Hell: A recollection of my very worst audition experiences. You're welcome! 

Remember way back in 1996 when there was that big uproar at Equity because Les Mis was going to fire most of the existing Broadway company? The production team thought the cast of the already 9-year-old show was suffering from long-run-itis and they wanted to inject the company with some fresh blood (not to mention that many of the actors cast in their 30s were now in their 40s and still playing students).

Like every other singer/actor within a 1000 mile radius of NYC, I signed up for the ECC. I showed up and waited all day to get my 30 seconds of face time with who I assumed was some lowly intern made to sit through a day of Les Miz auditions as part of some sick casting agent hazing ritual. But lo and behold, a few days later I received a callback for that upcoming weekend at the historic 890 Broadway building (once owned by Michael Bennett).

I should have known something was up due to the odd scheduling and audition location. But I was young and stupid. I showed up at the audition set to sing "No More" from Into the Woods. I know, horrible choice, but in my youthful arrogance I thought I was going to wow them with my cerebral choice of Sondheim.

Anyway, the monitor approached me and the two other people who had been called during my time slot. He handed us a sheet of paper and said, "Here's who's in the room today." It read:

Cameron Mackintosh, Producer
John Caird, Director
Claude-Michel Schonberg, Music
Alain Boublil, Book

There were more names, but I had tunnel vision and everything around those names was just a blur. One of my audition companions appropriately uttered, "Holy shit!" under her breath. And I nearly did wholely shit my pants on the spot. This could possibly be the single most important audition of my life.

I entered a cavernous room with the world's longest table set-up. There were literally dozens of people sitting behind it all smiling politely at me. Standing and leaning against the piano was a distinguished gentlemen who appeared to be reading my resume.

"Hi Fausto. I'm John Caird. How are you today?"

I almost soiled my panties a second time. He then proceeded to ask me questions about my family, about my schooling and other random personal questions. After what seemed like hours (probably 2 minutes tops), he asked me to sing.

I showed the accompanist my cuts, walked back to my spot, nodded and listened to the intro.

"No more ques-(voice cracks)-tions, please..."

Yes, in front of the entire Les Mis creative team I did the one thing I have never, ever done during an audition (before or since). It wasn't even a high note. But it was too late. I was mortified. I completely lost focus and could only think about that one splattered note through the whole audition. In my defense, I was only a few years out of school and didn't have the experience or emotional fortitude to just shrug it off and I'm sure it showed.

I finished my song and Mr. Caird gave me a polite "thank you."

Holding back tears I fled the building dejected.  At the time I thought my professional life was over, so I just went home to cry and eat Ben & Jerry's.

Epilogue: Since that first fateful audition, I eventually got my shit together and was called in several times for Les Mis (including a couple of times specifically for Marius).  I never booked it, but I guess that splat wasn't as horrible as I thought.  Either that, or casting agents have very short memories.

A Tale of Two Cities

Well, it was really, really loud (sound man, please turn down Barbour’s mic. I thought my ears were going to start bleeding). And James Barbour is really, really tall. And the lighting was really, really pretty. And there was plenty of smoke. If you loved Les Mis, you won’t hate A Tale of Two Cities. The problem with Tale is that its overabundance of enthusiasm, commitment and investment money far outweighs its musical merits. As much as people diss Les Mis, there’s no arguing that Claude-Michel Schönberg has moments of quite beautiful melodic writing, even if he repeats those same snippets ad infinitum. Honestly, I kept waiting for the “big song.” You know, the one that everyone will be using at auditions next spring. And it did come eventually (midway through the extremely long first act), but it just wasn’t as good as even the mediocre songs in Les Mis. And a side note to the composer, you don’t have to end every song either on a loud, high, long note or a soft (read falsetto), high, long note. She might as well of had the actors just yell out, “I’m done now, please clap for me.”

I don’t mean to completely bash the composer, though. I have to give Ms. Santoriello props for effort. The writing and musical development showed obvious craft, but the whole affair lacked musical inspiration. Example: I know the first act closer was meant to make me leap to my feet in excitement, but it just sort of laid there. I kept wishing they’d just start singing “One Day More” instead. Sure, it ended loud and high - emphasis on loud - and the requisite rhythmic drone on the snare drum was meant to get my blood pumping, but good orchestration and vocal writing can’t make up for uninspiring melodies. It is a musical, after all.

The production itself is gorgeous to look at and it’s probably the strongest vocal cast I’ve heard on a Broadway stage in a long time (those bitches can sing!). But again, it’s all just a beautiful wedding gown thrown on a homely, but rich, bride.

The cast is outstanding and Barbour is especially good as Sydney. I thank Ms. Santoriello for acknowledging that there are other vocal ranges other than tenor and belt. It was refreshing to actually hear legit voices on Broadway. A soprano ingénue - imagine that! I sort of expected more from Natalie Toro, but her high belt was a bit weak. Perhaps she was having an off night?

For full disclosure, I did start to well up a couple of times in the second act, but I don’t think it was a direct result of the score. I mean, unless you’re made out of stone, the story itself is moving: a man trades his life to save the husband of the woman he secretly loves. You’d have to f*ck up pretty bad to drain the emotion from that storyline. So although I can appreciate the composer's and the cast's obvious commitment and dedication to the project, and the beauty of the physical production, they just can't make up for the score's shortcomings.

Les Mis rewind

OK, so I'm getting flack from people because I didn't really write anything about our summer conservatory's production of Les Mis so to make it more interesting and in honor of my Perry award nomination, below are my picks for the First Annual Pineda Summer Conservatory Awards, The Pinedas for short.

Latest start of performance: During Friday's matinee (which also happened to start 15 minutes late), the fire alarm went off ten measures into the prologue and everyone had to be evacuated. We waited outside the theatre for at least 10 minutes more until the fire department arrived. Did I mention it was like 150 degrees out?

Performance with the most tears: Saturday night's show. Lots of audible sniffling in the audience. A close second, the ring of sobbing kids around the dessert table at the Spotlight's cast party's "pass the love" session on Thursday night.

Longest death scene: Anna Dugan as Fantine, Sunday evening. Well, I guess it wasn't necessarily longer than usual, it just seemed that way because Brian Hart (Valjean) forgot to go onstage. He was outside the theatre shooting the sh*t with Pami Marks as she was spraying his hair gray and giving him wrinkles for the next scene.

Best performance of a wig: The short Fantine shag. That sucker would not stay on anyone's head (even for Briana on Cabaret Night). It looked great, though! Runner-up: The Fantine long blond wig. Those two beeyatches looked great in that sucker.

Best "Lovely Lady" cleavage: Anna Dugan - 'nuff said.

Best "Lovely Lady" antics: Anna Dugan (see above) and Jen Dilzell with her skirt-lifting chair straddle.

Most consistent wrong vocal entrance: Peter Carmo. Twice for "Lovely Ladies" and twice for "Look down..."

Most fanatic audience member: The Les Mis freak who had seen the Broadway production 10 times and requested tickets for a sold-out Friday night. His reply, "I'm thin." After a second denial from Val, he asked for standing room tickets. Standing room? He'd obviously never been to the CDC.

Worst ensemble vocal: Thursday night's machine gun second act ending of "tomorrow c-c-c-c-c-c-comes!"

Most f*cked up musical scene that was never correct during performance: "Attack on Rue Plumet"

Most likely not to watch the conductor for an entrance: Catalina - as Epinone before "don't you fret...", close second - anyone in the "Attack of Rue Plumet" scene, close third - Dillon on entrance after "Liar."

Most mispronounced character name by Valerie: Thenardier.

Cleanest "dirty" person on stage: Anna Dugan. You need more dirt on that face, girlfriend.

Best ensemble "deer-in-headlights" moment: Friday matinee's begger entrance of "Look down..."

Loudest ensemble entrance: see "headlights" moment above.

Best understudy: Bobby O'Rourke as the foreman. Totally skeevy groping those gals.

Wierdest mother/daughter combo: Stephanie Louis (Madam T) as Holly Curran's (Eponine) mom.

Most diverse character acting choices: William Shore. From priest to drunken lech. Way to go Will!

Most chewed scenery: Dan Berman, Friday evening performance.

Most likely to be roaming around theatre with no shirt on: Tie - Peter Carmo and Dan Berman.

Les Mis pics

Brian Hart (Jean Valjean) and Billy Geltzeiler (Javert)

Catalina Gaglioti (Eponine) and Bobby O'Rourke (Marius)

Katy Cockrell and Dan Berman (Thenardiers)

Women's ensemble and Anna Dugan (Fantine)

Up all night

This may have been the most painful set change-over to date. Having added an extra performance of Les Mis on Sunday night due to outrageous ticket sales, we literally had less than 24 hours to turn over the stage for our middle school production, Cinderella. Though mostly painting, we were all exhausted from running a six show weekend of Les Mis.

Trish and I were in charge of painting the flats that would stand in for a generic European city - a cross between English Tudor and German village with a dash of Dutch detailing. Though pretty, it was certainly an odd middle European amalgamation albeit with an intense identity crisis. Oh well, the kids liked it and it was certainly colorful. And at 3AM, we really didn't care about ethnic authenticity anyway.

Note to self: never ask students to help paint! I know I'm generalizing, but when did they stop teaching kids to paint inside the lines? I'm all for artistic expression and all that good sh*t, but how hard is it to color in the friggin' lines? It's not brain surgery, people. And while I'm on the useless teenager rant, some of our lovely students stopped by late that evening (or early that morning, depending on how you look at it) to "visit." OK, fine, that's sweet and all, but if you're just going to stop by and say "hi" - then say "hi" and leave. These lovely students instead watched us work, then proceeded to go downstairs and try on costumes and generally f*ck around and never offered to help us. Did I also mention these same students had also just come from a cast party? So while we're busting our asses for them, they go and party, "visit" us, stay and goof off and then don't even offer to help. Of course, even if they did offer to help I would've said "no," but it's the thought that counts, right? To quote the great Fred Ebb:

"And even kids'll kick your shins and give ya sass Nobody's got no class!...
Jesus Christ, ain't there no decency left?
Nobody's got no class!

-Lyrics from "Class", Chicago

Since Juan, Val and Trish had to be up at the crack of ass the next morning for rehearsal, I forced the team to vacate the premises by 4:30am so they could at least manage a healthy hour or so of sleep. We'll definitely have to plan better for next summer. Perhaps a built-in show extension?

Totally unprepared

So I took the Les Mis conductor's score home this week to practice and write down some cues. I can play the score fine and I can conduct it quite well, if I do say so myself. But play and conduct at the same time? - not so much. I should have spent way more time practicing conducting with my left hand and playing with my right, and less time inhaling paint fumes over the weekend. I totally suck at conducting with my left hand. Oh well, perhaps the audience will be so dazzled by the gorgeous lobby that they won't notice my spastic arm waving. My hope is that the accompanist Val hired to play run-throughs the last few days is good enough to cover most of the piano score and I can really just devote myself to conducting. Fingers crossed. Oy, and don't even get me started on Cabaret Night next week. There are going to be some stressed out kids memorizing music over the weekend.

High on the fumes, dude...

I've definitely been shirking my blogging duties as of late. Between working Morgan Stanley and getting Les Mis together, I've barely had time to take a dump, let alone write. That's actually not really accurate, as I can always make time for a good bowel movement. And yet I'm forcing myself to take some time out from my spoiled bankers and initiating some "me" time.

Well, I definitely woke up this morning with that familiar "I've partied all weekend in the dorm" feeling. Although I had to dig way back in the memory banks for it, since it's been decades since I've even stepped foot in a college dorm. But I spent the weekend painting (and inhaling the accompanying fumes) in the lobby of the CDC Theater in NJ. I (and Trish, too!) literally spent Friday night, all day Saturday (with one movie break) until 2AM, and all day Sunday trapped in the tiny lobby without air conditioning and with barely any ventilation. I've surely sustained some form of permanent lung damage, but I'm old and I'm sure to kick it at any moment anyway, so I thought, "What the f*ck?" Once again, forsaking health for external beauty. The lobby is gorgeous. And quite honestly, CDC doesn't deserve its beautiful new space after the hassle they gave us about trying to improve it. I mean, it was painted gray with gray trim and a gray carpet! Could you have picked a more monotonous, boring and unimaginative color scheme? It's a theater, for God's sake. A temple to creativity and the arts - and it was all gray. Did they not have a gay in the house to say, "Girl, what are you thinking, you need to sass it up!" And could it get any gayer than the color choices Trish and I made? - Iced Chai, Custard Cream and Cranberry - Why am I so hungry all of a sudden?

The Pineda Conservatory's Les Mis will be the first production to make use of the newly painted lobby. Good thing, as we're on our way to selling out all five performances. We actually ended up adding an additional Sunday evening performance because sales were so brisk. We have an audience, a theater and a beautiful new lobby. Now if we can just get the friggin' show together. I'm a little scared considering there are definitely some "under-rehearsed" moments throughout. But I'm sure it will be just grand by closing night.

Summer w/ whores, homeless and chain gangs

The Pineda Conservatory’s summer musical theatre program is finally in full swing! Yeah! After a somewhat controversial (understatement) split from the auspices of NJ Workshop from the Arts’ summer program, the Pineda’s decided to say “screw you” and start our own program. Well, we didn’t actually say “screw you,” but at times I honestly wanted to. Not that I’m not grateful for the opportunity and name recognition that NJWA afforded us, but after quadrupling their program attendance to over 60 students between two programs (an elementary and high school program) in just 3 years, they had the gall to tell us that we were getting paid too much. Too much? What ev’s. Now they’re back down to their original enrollment and we’ve got over 60 kids - and a waiting list - clamoring to get into our new program. I don’t mean to gloat, but all I have to say is don’t bite the hand that feeds because that hand may one day stop slipping you bon-bons. In their defense, I do have to give a shout out to NJWA Executive Director, Ted Schlosberg, who did take the time to try and resolve the many conflicting issues swirling about and also wished us the best on our new program. Props to Ted.

Anyway, we’ve been cranking away at Les Mis with our high school program and it’s going to be fierce. Those whores can sing! And I mean that literally - the gals who play whores in the show are all great singers. My one complaint is that we’re having difficulty getting the kids to relate to the harshness and hopelessness surrounding these characters. I mean, let’s get real, these kids haven’t exactly led the most difficult lives. They live in posh, suburban New Jersey, not the slums of Bombay. But we’re getting there. Maybe I’ll have them imagine life without their handheld devices or parents’ wallets. That would be a grim life indeed.

My only disappointment with the program this year is that I’m not able to be there everyday with the kids. Instead, I have to split my time between NJ and my new day job in the lovely, but currently faltering, financial services industry, sigh. I guess I can’t complain because I do get paid quite a hefty sum to pamper spoiled bankers and write on my blog. But I do miss the daily interaction with the kids and being able to watch the development and growth of the show through to the final performance. Oh well, sacrifices must be made in order to pay off those pesky student loans. I can’t friggin’ believe that I’m in my late 30’s and still paying those damn things off. Moral of story: theatre doesn’t pay, but banking sure does! I don’t want to be all negative and sh*t, but if you’re going into theatre, be ready to eat a lot of spam and ramen noodles.

Ass pirates

I can’t believe we (just barely) pulled Pirates out of our asses. Not literally, of course. That would be quite difficult and painful (and very messy). Our stage manager, Sharon, gave an admirable performance as the Pirate King, given that she had half a run-through and less than 24 hours notice to fill in for our indisposed actor. All in all, she acquitted herself quite nicely. Of course, there was some highly creative improvised dialogue, and much of it from actors who had actual rehearsal time and should have known better, but that’s a whole 'nother can of worms that I don’t wish to crack open and smear on anybody’s reputation, especially some high school kid. Since I’ve learned that it’s not just my sister and I that read my blog, in order to protect the innocent I’ll have to desist naming names - at least if they’re under age. But watch out biyatches, once you’re over 21, you’re asses are fair game. Anyway, it was hard to keep track of who was playing what role in any given show since so many people were double cast, sick or just plain clueless on stage. I just sat in the pit minding my own business and conducting the orchestra, and by orchestra I mean me at the piano and Trish turning pages.

The best part of the 3-day run? Having dinner and getting ice cream between Saturday shows with my nominee for “Hot Jersey Mom,” Anita Napoli. No, there is no such award, and yes, I’m gayer than springtime (poor Oscar could never have foreseen his lyrics used in this context), but I know a hot mom when I see one. Lest I get hate mail for playing favorites, we did not plan to have dinner with Anita and her daughter Gabby, we just coincidentally ended up going to the same restaurant (a lovely Thai fusion place, Avenue East). In all honesty, Trish, Juan, Val and I tried to find a restaurant off the beaten path in order to avoid any additional contact with the cast and parents. Not that we don’t love our kids (now the parents - at least some parents - well, that’s a different matter. Mama Rose anyone?), but sanity must be preserved in these days of show overload. Next week, is the opera company’s garage sale fundraiser and the following week is the graduating senior’s cabaret show. Then we’ll finally get two weeks to recuperate before we start all over again with Les Mis.

Some of our lovely Young Artists backstage at Pirates (Kristen Caruana, Kaitlyn Mills and Katy Cockrell).

Never ending rehearsals, Anything Goes and Les Mis casting

My life right now is an endless loop of rehearsals - first Madama Butterfly, now Oklahoma and starting next week, Pirates of Penzance. I have to admit the Butterfly cast spoiled me. All eight principals were off book from the start of rehearsal. Unlike my Oklahoma cast where only one principal, our Laury, has ever shown up off book. It’s been painfully obvious that some have even shown up to rehearsal never having read through the script. Really? I mean, if you’re cast as the lead of a show I’d think you’d at least read through the damn book so you’d know what the hell was going on. I understand that it’s community theater, but still. Work ethic, anyone? Hopefully, this will improve since we’ve asked the stage manager to send out an email requiring cast to be off book by the end of the month. I’m probably being harsh, but it’s odd when someone else’s “hobby” is your life’s vocation. Regardless, it’s no excuse considering everyone in the Butterfly cast, although granted they are professional singers, all have day jobs as well. And the score to Butterfly is way more difficult and in a foreign language to boot! I mean, how can you call yourself a musical theater performer, pro or not, and not know the lyrics to the title song of Oklahoma!? I even know them in Chinese for God’s sake (I used it to audition for Broadway’s Thoroughly Modern Millie and got called back). On an up-note, "Kansas City" is basically staged and choreographed, so that’s one dance number crossed off the list - only three more and a ballet to go!

Saturday night Trish, Val and I went to Westfield High School’s production of Anything Goes. As I’ve stated in earlier posts, I’m trying to be somewhat restrained when commenting on “non-professional” shows since so many of our kids are involved in them. Before going further, I want to make it clear that we did enjoy the show and thought that most of the performances were excellent. But I do have a few “what the f*ck?” items that I need to at least air out so that I can move on. First, when did “move center stage and sing directly at the audience” become an acceptable direction for a song in a musical? Reno, whose belt was off the hook and definitely has the chops to pursue musical theater professionally, impressed despite some horrific direction. She had to deliver “I Get a Kick Out of You” way across the stage from Billy Crocker (the “kickee”) and straight out to the audience while Billy sat facing away from and ignoring her. Did the song take place in her head? Was it a dream sequence? Was Billy temporarily deafened by Reno’s belt? Note to director: Reno’s trying to seduce Billy. In this version, she was trying to seduce him telepathically from across the stage. More odd was that some songs were "correctly" directed as "scenes-set-to-music" while others received the “stand-center-and-sing-out-Louise" treatment. Luckily, most of the performers overcame the bad direction through sheer talent. I won’t mention the choreography, except to say that a good choreographer will find a way to make everyone look good and include everyone in production numbers. Not just six people, who although executed impressive sounding taps, were rendered with bland movement (how’s that for passive-aggressive commentary?). I know several “good-movers” and dancers in the show who were relegated to the back row as scenery or just plain left off the stage. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but the opening number to our Millie last summer was way more impressive yet probably not as technically difficult as any number in Anything Goes while still allowing the entire cast to perform. Although the ship set was impressive, it begged the question, “Did you spend all your money on your top deck and run out of money for costumes?” Several girls who I know to be quite slim and pretty looked like dowdy middle-aged women in shapeless sacks. I apologize if that was the “look” they were going for, but I highly doubt it. I am happy to say that three of our students, Billy Geltzheiler, Ellen Scariati and Mia Pafumi all created extremely funny, well-sung and well-developed characters (pat on the Pinedas' collective back) despite many hurdles. I also have to give props to the men in the show who were all extremely strong and gave their female counterparts a run for their money onstage.

Also this weekend, we finally cast Les Mis. After a long morning of auditions (having had three audition dates prior to this weekend) and a node-inducing callback we finally sent out all of the offer letters by midnight on Saturday. To date, it’s been the most difficult show for us to cast since the talent was ridiculously high this year. Any number of the young actors could play these roles successfully. It really boiled down to who “fit” the role best, vocally and type-wise, for how we envision the production to look and sound. It’s both a luxury and a curse to have more than one (or three or four) people of equal talent to choose from. I’m actually very excited to start rehearsals since I have no doubt this show is going to be pretty incredible. Now how are we going to build that friggin’ barricade?!?