Magic Flute Tech + Tonys = Ranting and Diarrhea

Pineda Lyric's The Magic Flute

What a difference a day makes.

Judging from the Magic Flute dress rehearsals on Thursday and Friday nights, it seemed we were doomed to a very long and painful day of Saturday performances.  From the made-up blocking and dialogue, missed cues and general cluelessness displayed on stage, a few members of our teenage cast seemed to genuinely lack a sense of urgency or responsibility.  Very disconcerting for the producing team considering that in a day or so a paying audience would be witness to this mess.

Of course, I'm only talking about a few duds sprinkled amongst a mainly conscientious cast of young people.  But hey, it only takes a little spot of fuzzy green mold to ruin the whole wheel of cheese, right?

Fast forward less than 24 hours to the matinee performance and all of a sudden, voilà, we have a show!  Not that the made-up blocking was magically fixed and the dialogue learned.  That would have been a true miracle in the Biblical sense.  But the kids were finally performing, and at the very least committing strongly to their (often wrong) choices.

I'm definitely not advocating this type of preparation - or rather lack of preparation - as a viable option for a performer.  But it sure beats the agony of witnessing long stretches of uncomfortable silence between two dumbstruck actors on stage, an acting "technique" we witnessed dozens of times (not an exaggeration) during both dress rehearsals.

Sigh.

Is it awful to wish that just once, these ill prepared youngsters would crash and burn during a performance?  If these same young people always succeed with a wonderful - if inaccurate and completely improvised - performance, doesn't it just refute everything we're trying to teach them about the work and preparation required for success?  Isn't it better for them to fail now when the consequences are minimal rather than when it's their first big work/college project?  If a train chugging at 40 mph leaves Sante Fe at 4:00 PM...oh, never mind.

I guess it just rubs me the wrong way to congratulate a young person who, from the audience's perspective, has given a wonderful performance even though that performance was pretty much based on luck and improvisation.  Oh well, I guess that's what blogs are for - bitching and moaning about things you can't really change.

Speaking of bitches, did ya'll catch the Tony Awards?  I guess that's rhetorical considering my audience.  I have to say, I'm somewhat surprised that this year's Tony voters decided to base their decisions on merit rather than popularity.  How else do you explain Billy Porter's win over Bertie Carvel, Tracy Letts' win over Tom Hanks, Vanya's win over Lucky Guy, Kinky's win over Matilda...Not complaining, but it's a nice change.

That opening number was pretty damn impressive as well.  Just thinking about coordinating the rehearsals for that 7 minutes of lunacy gives me a slight case of diarrhea.  And that "Kiss LA Good-bye" parody had just enough queeny schtick for the gays while supplying enough pushed-up cleavage to appease the eight straight dudes watching.

Of course, my favorite moment was Audra's so-wrong-it's-right rendition of Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind" and then dropping her mic, gangsta' style.  That bitch crazy.  Can't wait to see how NPH tops this next year.

(More pictures of the 2013 Young Artist production of Mozart's The Magic Flute here.)

2009 bites the dust

After being bombarded with year-end stories and articles from every media outlet and publication on the planet, I thought I’d add to the white noise with my own truly insignificant (well, not to me) Year End Wrap-Up! So if you haven’t been keeping up with my blog, it’s OK. I won’t think any less of you, loser.

Well, from the sidebar you can see that I spend, and in some cases waste, much of my hard(ly)-earned paycheck on shows. I was thinking of listing my top ten theatrical experiences, but sadly upon review, couldn’t find five truly outstanding performances to list. So in no particular order, my best for the year are:

Ragtime, Broadway revival - Will we ever hear a true legit score on Broadway again that isn’t a revival? It’s pretty f*cking depressing that having too much vocal training is now a detriment to casting. The only way this revival could be any better would be to get Audra to reprise her performance as Sarah.

August: Osage County, Broadway - Any show where I get to see Mrs. Claire Huxtable stumble around in a drug-induced haze rates high on my richter scale. Add some incest, suicide, racism and infidelity in the mix and I call that entertainment - or a typical week with the Pineda family - minus the incest, of course. Even we have standards.

Guys and Dolls, Scotch Plains HS - Yes, I am referring to a high school production and not the mediocre Broadway revival from earlier this year. Why? Because it took a high school production to reassure me that million dollar sets cannot hide bad material, direction or casting. I was even jealous watching it, thinking it was much better - and it pains me to say it - than many Pineda productions. High school directors take note, a chorus aimlessly standing about upstage does not constitute “direction.”

And the worst production of 2009? Drum roll please - the Broadway revival of Bye, Bye Birdie. What an embarrassment. I permanently damaged the flesh around Trish's knee from constantly clutching it in shock and horror. Sure, John Stamos and Gina Gershon are hot, but dancers? Not so much. Sadly, the highlight of the evening was checking out the beautiful state of the art urinals in the theater's newly renovated bathroom. Yes, the show was that bad.

Looking back, I don’t understand how I made it through the year without collapsing. I directed/choreographed the opera company’s Magic Flute and Dido and Aeneas, choreographed Beauty and the Beast for South Plainfield HS and co-directed and did some musical staging for the conservatory’s On The Town. And as always, the Pineda family performed benefit concerts throughout the year to help pay for our summer house in Cancun - NOT! All of this, of course, while trying to stay awake at my regular nine to five at Morgan Stanley.

Pineda Lyric Opera finally received its non-profit 501(c)(3) letter earlier this year, so we now have a Board of Directors and are all official and sh*t. This has been a long time in coming and we can finally start begging for donations. That means you’d better start sending us those fat checks. We know where you live.

This year also marks the last year I can say I’m in my 30’s. Yikes! Is it really possible we are now starting to send kids off to college? And that even after working with us for years, these same kids STILL want to pursue careers in the arts? It’s scary to think that in the next decade there will be a slew of actors coming to NYC who are graduates of the Pineda Conservatory. Broadway, you have been warned.

As for resolutions - I guess I’d like to finally take a vacation that’s more than just a long weekend, preferably somewhere warm with palm trees and cabana boys in thongs. I’d also like to hit the gym again and get rid of the spare tire I’ve acquired over the last year. Maybe luxuriously lounging in my caftan while chowing down on pizza and ice cream during The Biggest Loser wasn’t the most ideal fitness regime. Other than that, I guess 2010 will be full of directing, performing, working (a real job) and more b*tching.

Until next opera season...

Pass me a cocktail. It’s over and the kids managed to pull through once again. After some nail biting and stress binging on ice cream and sun chips, the final performance of Pineda Lyric’s Young Artist production of The Magic Flute is history. I’m not saying it was perfect, but what transpired on that stage was astonishingly good considering certain leads (who shall remain nameless so as not to tarnish a great weekend of performances) had not yet had all their lines memorized 48 hours prior to opening.

I know, you’re probably thinking, “If the kids did such a good job, why even bother pointing it out?” Well, dear readers, it is to make a point. Pineda Conservatory is about learning and about teaching students proper performance technique. If I were to judge myself by the students’ preparation, I would have to give myself a big fat “F”.

When leads don’t know their lines, you can’t rehearse them. Sure, you can tell them, “Stand there. Cross over there. Sit on this word.” But moving living furniture is not the same as directing. Reading from your script and fumbling through your lines is not rehearsing. What is exasperating to me is that the potential was there for not just a good production, but a spectacular production.

Yes, the audience sees a great final product. But since I know the cast’s freakishly high talent level and I realize the immense potential, what I see is “what could have been.” In a way, it feels like I haven’t done my job properly. Was there something I should have explained differently? How could I have motivated the students better? It’s tough to admit, but not having my own children, I sometimes feel like a surrogate parent to these thirty some odd kids. Luckily, I don’t have to feed them, clothe them or send them to college.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m immensely proud and happy that our Young Artists were able to present such a good show, but hope they go away thinking, “Next year, I’m gonna’ know my sh*t before the first performance, because this could be something amazing.”

Queen of the Night and 3 Ladies

Papageno & Papagena

Pamina

Tamino, Papageno & Priests

Some Enchanted Evening

Well, our benefit concert for Our Lady of Lourdes last Friday actually came together quite miraculously. Perhaps performing on the altar of a church does carry certain unaccountable benefits. Too bad no one saw it. Well, I exaggerate, there were a good 30 people scattered throughout the mainly empty pews. Oh well, so much for the "benefit" part of the concert. After paying for the accompanist, the wine and cheese platters for the reception, I think we'll have to hold a benefit concert to help pay for the benefit concert. Perhaps we'll have more luck if we hold the next one in a Synagogue.

As for the concert itself, it went way better than expected considering we "blocked" it an hour before the concert started and had one rehearsal with the pianist the night before. And by rehearsal, I mean singing through some of the music with lyrics in hand. Talk about pulling it out of our asses. The first time singing some numbers memorized - and I use the word "memorized" very loosely - and with the pianist was during the actual concert. Yeah, nothing like preparation, right? And blocking? Why rehearse when you can wing it at the performance. The only real blocking we were able to set before the show was along the lines of "this is where you get up and sing."

The highlight of the evening for me was the reception. Why? Because that meant we actually got through the damn thing. And add in free booze and food, well, what's not to like? You better believe I knocked back a couple of glasses of vino before hitting the tables to schmooze with the mainly elderly crowd. Don't get me wrong, they were all genuinely gracious, enthusiastic and complimentary, but it was like walking through a casino floor in Atlantic City on a weekday afternoon. Anyway, onward toward tech week of The Merry Widow!

Playing catch-up

Signing on to my blog this morning I realized I hadn't even mentioned last weekend's rehearsals or the benefit concert we put up for First United Methodist Church in Scotch Plains, NJ. I guess I got so caught up in my cupcakes and ranting against Jay Leno that I plain forgot. Though the cupcakes are long gone, I still hate Leno. No, I take that back. I don’t hate Leno - this is America for f*cksake and if you want to base your shtick on stale Brokeback jokes and homophobia - go for it. It’s a free country. What I hate is that an average talent is rewarded with big bucks and national recognition for not being very funny and for giving poor to mediocre interviews. Bitter, party of one? - right here, biyatches! And I want a window table, not the nasty one by the toilets you usually sit me at.

OK - breathe in, breathe out, think lovely thoughts. I’m fine now. Anyway, now that that is finally out of my system (doubtful), let’s move on. The benefit concert was "uneven," to put it mildly. We did raise $1300 for the church. So I guess it was at least a financial success since it definitely wasn't an artistic one. Though it didn't suck as badly as last year's Holiday concert, which could only have been made worse had we performed only in bikini briefs and covered in feces. No, wait. That might actually have been an improvement. Anyway, last weekend’s benefit concert was sort of a surprise to Trish and I since we had only found out about it the week before, after it was announced at the Easter Mass we were hired to sing at. Trish and I were under the impression that it was a "Juan and Val concert” and that we were added guests to help fill out the evening. Wrong. We were in fact given equal billing, which would have been great if this was Broadway and we had a nice four week rehearsal period and previews. Unfortunately, this was a church “cafetorium” in Jersey and we had about five hours of rehearsals and no previews. We basically rehashed old material and made up cheesy dialogue on the spot. Thinking I’d only be singing one song and a duet with Trish (I ended up singing those songs plus my Wizard of Oz medley, four ensemble numbers, a duet with Juan and accompanying most songs on piano) I foolishly decided I could brush up on my lyrics the day before. Let’s just say I took some artistic license and made some “in the moment” creative “cuts” to some of my songs without alerting the accompanist. I like to keep things fresh and spontaneous.

We’ll thankfully get a chance to redeem ourselves in two weeks when we present basically the same material, with the addition of songs by the opera company’s Young Artists, as a 50/50 benefit for LOC and All Saints Church in Scotch Plains. Keep your fingers crossed.

Rehearsals for Oklahoma! are progressing in fits and starts. It’s difficult because I think I’ve staged/choreographed a pretty great (pat myself on the back) “Kansas City” production number. Unfortunately, this makes it imperative that I top it with each progressive production number. But I’m so tired and drained that it’s difficult to continually be creative and energetic. Already I’m not too happy with “Many A New Day” and I’m getting very discouraged with the “Dream Ballet.” I’m trying to refuel my creative juices by watching a lot of dance videos and Youtube. I’m optimistic, but need some sleep. I can’t believe this week has already whizzed by.

Duets Concert

That was just insane. There is no reason we should not have just crashed and burned last night. We must have some major Karmic payback coming to us, because there is no explainable reason as to how we got through that concert. A) We had never run through the show, B) we hadn’t even rehearsed with some of our duet partners and C) we didn’t even know the running order or exactly who was accompanying each person until right before each song. Not to mention finishing up a four hour Butterfly rehearsal directly before the concert.

I really can’t explain it. The lyrics for each song magically burst forth from my mouth. The first full performance (blocking and singing with the accompaniment) of three of the four scenes I had been assigned, occurred on stage during the actual concert. I’ve really never been so unprepared ever and based on the crowd reaction, rehearsal is highly overrated. Not that it was a perfect show by any stretch of the imagination, but the audience seemed to forgive the somewhat long pauses between numbers as we frantically set up for each scene or tried to decide who was accompanying which songs. I audibly whispered, “Am I playing this?” to Val as she was standing on stage ready to sing. The audience, of course, thought it was all part of “the script” and laughed at each seemingly ridiculously moment, thinking it must have been staged for their entertainment. Little did they know…

Another “it-had-to-have-been-staged” moment occurred when I forgot that I was accompanying the song directly after mine. I was busy patting myself on the back for being so brilliant in the “When We Grow Up” baby scene when I heard the intro to “Two’s Company.” I thought, “Um, I’m supposed to be playing that song.” I ducked out the side door, ran around the back of the theater (I couldn’t cut straight across the front because of the lighting and seating arrangement), reached over Val’s shoulders (who started playing because I was nowhere in sight) and took over while she slid off the bench and I stepped over it to sit down. Later, Trish told us she thought something was different about the song but wasn’t quite sure what.

A stressful evening for the Pineda’s, but apparently parents will overlook anything if their kids are front and center; definitely, a good thing to remember for future fundraisers.

Who Says Caroling isn't Glamorous?

Andrew, Trish, Kelli and I spreading holiday cheer to the humble masses at the Newburgh Mall in Newburgh, NY. Hurray! Caroling season is officially over.

Why Does God Hate Trish?

Today was my first Caroling gig of the season at Woodbury Common Outlet mall. The gig itself was pretty uneventful, but the car trauma the night before was quite exciting. After Friday’s Holiday Concert fiasco, I decided to crash in Jersey for some well-deserved R & R before returning to NYC. After spending the day binge eating (Popeye’s chicken, chocolate, and McDonald’s dollar menu items), Trish and I packed up mom and dad’s van. If you’ve been keeping up, Trish’s car had a nervous breakdown on the way to Virginia last weekend so we exchanged it with the family van while her car goes into the shop for some mechanical therapy. Back to Saturday - we filled up the gas tank and got on the highway only to notice that none of the dials on the dashboard registered. Did I mention that we also had TDF tickets to Cymbeline that evening at Lincoln Center? So we pulled over unto the shoulder, said a little prayer and tried the ignition again. Same thing, only this time the “check engine” light came on. “Why does God hate me?” Trish muttered. So I promptly called Don, who schedules and runs the caroling company. “There’s a problem with the car so you better start getting plan B together.” I also offer him my Cymbeline tickets and he replies, “Lord no, the last thing I want to do right now is listen to Phylicia Rashad talk.” Don eventually calls me back to let me know that he has reserved a rental car for the day and that I’ll need to use my credit card. No problem, what’s another hundred bucks on top of $15,000 debt already? Meanwhile, Trish is on the phone with dad. Apparently, this has happened before. The remedy? - slip the key in as slowly as you can. Then wait. And while pushing the key into the ignition, turn slowly. Of course, this method instantly brings the dashboard back to life but it's too late for us to try and catch our show. So we decide to continue binging for a couple more hours. No sense wasting fried chicken.

The gig itself was pretty routine except for the security guard asking us if we were going to do a better job than last weeks group who had a "horrible tone." Oh well, you can't please everyone.

Someone Please Compose a Happy Chanukah Song

Another weekend from hell is over. The Pineda Four (Juan, Val, Trish and I) once again pulled a show out of our asses with only one rehearsal, this time a holiday concert benefiting the LOC. I have to admit this was not one of our finer achievements. We hadn’t really even yet recovered from our parents' anniversary fiasco (was that really just last weekend?!). I mean, the fake wedding cake is still sitting in the back seat of Juan and Val’s van! By the way, as promised, I will soon post pictures of this magnificent piece of fake pastry art but I need to repair some of the minor dents and scratches. It was a rough ride back to NJ. Anyway, this concert was doomed to fail considering how well our anniversary reception show went. We surely hit our prayer quota over the anniversary weekend. A second miracle within one week’s time was probably just too much to ask for, especially when the four people asking are heathens.

So let me fill in some gaps. Thursday night was our combined first rehearsal AND final dress rehearsal for the holiday concert. “Warning, Will Robinson” and cue floppy robotic accordion arms. Oh well, panic at this point would have been redundant considering the travails of the previous weekend. We even suckered Chin Wen, an area piano teacher to volunteer her accompanying skills gratis. Actually, I think this was Val’s ulterior motive for inviting her to Thanksgiving dinner just weeks before. Way to think ahead, Val. But back to rehearsal - we sang through a couple of cheesy standards and some traditional songs and added the kids ensemble into a few numbers. Trish reluctantly pulled out Oh! Had I Jubal’s Lyre, Maureen whipped out Rejoice Greatly and we made up an arrangement of Oh, Holy Night to tie it all up. To make sure we didn’t get slapped with a lawsuit we even threw in some Chanukah songs for good measure. Now I’m all for equal time, but Chanukah songs are just plain depressing. Are there any rousing, happy Chanukah carols that end with a major chord? Anyway, I ended up staying at rehearsal until very late and took the midnight train back to the city. And even though I got home after 1:00 am, I managed to stumble into work on time - actually early - the next morning, thank you very much. I coasted through the work day thinking I'd make it through incident-free. But Murphy's Law is a bitch and before I knew it, I was knee deep in a sh*t storm.

Just as I was getting ready to sneak out of work to catch an earlier train to NJ, my boss, surely sensing I was up to no good, materialized out of thin air and appeared before my desk. He decides - twenty minutes before 5:00 pm - that he will be flying to Iowa for the weekend to attend an Obama rally (you know he just wanted to meet Oprah). I need to make all the travel arrangements as well as cancel all his weekend appointments, NOW. F*ck! How dare he ask me to do actual work during office hours. Does he not know I have personal business to attend to? So selfish. So I smile, pull my arm out of my coat sleeve, and reply, “No problem.” Just one year at Morgan and I’ve become a total corporate a**kisser! So now I’m running around like a hustler on crystal meth, frantically making phone calls, booking hotel rooms, blathering nonsense and cursing under my breath to no one in particular. To top it off, he can’t take a regular carrier. He needs to get on a buddy’s private jet from an airfield in NJ. God forbid he's forced to sit with the common folk. Oh, to be cursed with the burden of wealth. Luckily, I’m a natural pessimist, so I had already purchased two train tickets the day before in anticipation of just such a catastrophe. I raced to Penn Station and made the 6:03 express with a few minutes to spare, and even got a seat. Then I waited.

And waited.


And waited.


And waited.


Until finally the dreaded announcement, “Ladies and gentleman, due to a stalled train in Secaucus, trains are running behind schedule. We apologize for the inconvenience.” Sh*t, sh*t, double sh*t! When the train finally gets moving 20 minutes later, it crawls and stops and crawls and stops and crawls and stops the whole way. I make my third panicked call to Trish. It’s now after 7:00 pm, the concert is at 8, and I’m still in Newark. Oh well, warming up is highly over-rated anyway. Isn’t that what the first act is for?

When I finally arrive at 7:40 pm, there are maybe 5 people in the audience. I busted my ass for 5 people? Val assures me that people are coming later and then tells me that I have to accompany our guest artist, Michelle Trovato, who appeared as Adele in our recent production of Die Fledermaus. Awesome, more sight-reading!

I won’t bullsh*t you, all in all the concert sucked, even by our low standards. The only saving grace was Michelle’s performance. She busted out a flawless version of Gesú Bambino (with me sight-reading at the piano) and a hilarious reprise of Adele’s laughing song making the rest of us look like talent-free a**holes. Other concert “lowlights” in no particular order - Val and I butchering the end of Panis Angelicus; the deathly slow tempo of Oh! Holy Night (as well as just about everything else we sang); me sight-reading accompaniments of aforementioned Jubal’s and Rejoice; me staring at Juan’s mouth so I could lip read the upcoming lyrics for the second and third verses of Silent Night; me singing nonsense syllables during the German verse of Oh Christmas Tree; and me stopping the concert and making Trish come over to the piano to help look for the piano music for White Christmas right before she had to sing it.

Anniversary Rewind

I know I haven’t really blogged about the actual Anniversary party last weekend, but with the upcoming benefit for the opera company and me starting my new position as a corporate bitch, I don’t even have time to take a dump let alone write. Although I guess I could take my laptop into the bathroom with me and kill two birds with one stone - hmmm. Ha, now you’ll have that nasty image in your head while you read the rest of this blog. Moving right along, I’ve decided I’d just comment on my favorite moments from the weekend since there is just way too much that happened. I also urge you to click the comments link at the bottom of this article and add your own happy (?) memories to my list. Herewith, in no particular order are some of my highlights.

• Upon greeting Valerie for the first time in two years, Tita Rory ran up to her and excitedly began rubbing her stomach. Mortified, Val bellowed, “I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat.”

• The decorator failed to set up enough tables for the 250 guests (in a hall meant for 175) and Trish scolded his sissy ass into setting up more. In a related note, said decorator (sidebar: he claims he’s straight and has a girlfriend - right) also screwed up the table numbers so that the seating chart had groups of 20 sitting at 10 tops. Trish then had to announce the proper table numbers and had guests play musical chairs, getting up and walking them around the hall until she frustratingly just let people sit wherever there was an empty chair.

• Mom has obviously never hired servers/waiters for a large event because she decided that four people would be enough to bar tend, clear tables, serve desserts and maintain the buffet. Instead, the kids, the cousins - Daphne and Marion - and Trish’s friends Billy and Steve ended up filling water glasses, busing tables and taking shit from the snooty assholes at the Filipino table - yes, that would be you, table 2. I mean, come on, there were obviously seating problems and then you see the guests-of-honor’s kids hustling to fill your water glasses, plus you’re getting a free meal and then you’re gonna’ complain because the buffet line is too long? Get your sorry asses back to Manila if you don’t like it!

• I don’t know what dad was thinking, but barely half an hour into the reception there appeared to be only one bottle of wine left. When I asked dad where they were keeping the rest of the wine, he calmly explained that he put the 12 bottles right behind the bar. 12 bottles!? For 250 people!? Oy. I just smiled and said, “OK” and we immediately sent Gerry off to Sam’s Club for 3 more cases. Incidentally, soon after we also ran out of silverware and plates and we had to phone in an additional order to Gerry.
  

• Several guests came up to me and complimented me on how beautiful the cake looked. They were so impressed that I had made it myself. One guest was particularly complimentary about how well the cake was iced and commented on how similar it was to the very expensive cake she purchased for her daughter’s wedding. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was made out of spackle and Styrofoam. The fondant pearls, however, were edible, although laced with hot glue. On a side note, I baked and drove down 10 sheet cakes to serve at the party and planned to ice them the day before, but because there just weren’t enough hours in the day, we scrapped that idea and decided to serve Trish’s birthday cake in lieu of a wedding cake.

• Even with no rehearsal and a last minute decision to use music on stands instead of trying to memorize, the reception show went over like gangbusters. We basically ad lib-ed the whole thing and most of the choreography. Being the sap that I am, I of course started crying during “My Romance.” I think there may be some incriminating video floating around, but I will sue your asses if you post that shit on Youtube so keep it to yourselves.
  

• Because my fat ass has not seen the inside of my gym in almost a year (that’s a $1,000 down the toilet I could have used to buy a real wedding cake), I was mortified to discover that my suit pants would not button closed. I panicked and had Trish order pants online, one size up, and hoped that they would fit properly. Well, they ended up fitting perfectly except they weren't the same material as the jacket. Actually, they were the exact same color, but the striping was different widths. I basically thought, "F*ck it, no one will notice." And nobody did! Hopefully the next time I have to wear the suit I will have lost, or at least drastically reduced, my muffin top and will be able to squeeze into the correct pants.

I encourage family and friends to click the comment link below and add your favorite or most embarrassing moment to my list!

Haul Out the Friggin' Holly

The fun just keeps coming, don’t it? Right on the heals of the big Anniversary party and reception show (which, by the way, was a smashing success, especially my “King of the World” moment during Val’s tear-worthy My Heart Will Go On), the crazy four, Juan, Val, Trish and I, start rehearsals for the LOC Holiday concert. Never sticklers for preparation, we have yet to pick all the music. I mean, we still have, like, 36 hours, right? Seriously, we need to start planning a smidge better. Anyway, I just got through emailing with Val and we’re throwing around ideas. I’m definitely going to do a cheese-irific version of I’ll Be Home For Christmas as well as Ave Maria, which I can just pull out of my ass, and Grateful by John Bucchino. Other than that, things are pretty much up in the air. We should honestly start planning now for next year. I was supposed to head to NJ after work for rehearsal today, but Val has asked me to stay home so she can teach the music to the chorus of LOC young artists that will be performing with us. Per usual, we will be flying on adrenaline, sugar and creative BS. At least we’ll look fabulous in our tuxes and gowns. If you’re going to be in the central NJ area, come watch us sing and probably make a whole lot of sh*t up on stage this Friday, 8:00 PM, First United Methodist Church of Scotch Plains, 1171 Terrill Road, Scotch Plains, NJ.

Extreme Cheese Factor

Calling all cheese aficionados. Here is the song list for our parents' 40th Anniversary reception show. I think you'll find it sufficiently cheesy, and by that I mean more like canned spray, not a nice aged Gouda.

1. Love is a Many Splendored Thing
2. Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life
3. Happy Together
4. Hey Jude
5. Ain't No Mountain
6. Knock Three Times
7. Physical
8. My Hear Will Go On
9. My Strongest Suite
10. My Romance
11. Together

Pretty cheeserific, wouldn't you say? We're doing a scripted "This Is Your Life"-type presentation and each song relates to mom and/or dad or was popular during a significant year of their lives. so family, if you're going to be there, don't you dare record this. If I see us on Youtube I'm suing!

I was in NJ until late last night recording. Therefore, the amount of flubbed notes on the tracks is directly proportionate to the lateness in the evening at which it was recorded. Example: the ending button on Together in no way relates to the key of the preceeding song. It's flat out the wrong chord! C'est la vie. But it was 11:58pm and I had to be at the train station at 12:12am. Anyway, I did make it back to Astoria before 2:00am and managed to somehow get my lazy ass to work by 8:40am. Interesting how motivating a paycheck can be.

Speaking of paychecks, looks like I'm going to become a permanent fixture at Morgan Stanley. I have decided to temporarily take a break from "the biz" to become a corporate bitch. Although even negotiating an offer from "the man" causes me to die just a little bit inside; I will finally, after some 15 odd years of foraging between sofa cushions, sustain a quality of life hovering above bag lady - no disrespect intended toward bag ladies, of course.

Sugar High

Hallelujah! The fake wedding cake has been completed and it looks pretty darned good if I do say so myself. Stay tuned for photos as I will wait until it's at its final home in Richmond before taking any glamour shots. Turns out that the actual decorating wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be, it was just extremely tedious; like trying to fold 20 loads of laundry in one sitting except without the same satisfaction that comes with knowing you'll be able to slip on a clean, spring-fresh scented t-shirt when you're done. Instead, you only get to stare at it and imagine what it would have tasted like had it not been made of styrofoam and spackle. I think I worked on it for at least 5 or 6 hours. Most of that time was spent rolling various-sized small fondant "pearls" to attach all over the cake. It looks great, but took forever to execute. I was so tired by the time I starting "pearling" the third tier, that I started eating a "pearl" for every 3 or 4 I was rolling just to keep my energy up. I was jittery and tired like Whitney after an all night binge only without the profuse sweating (have you seen those concerts she did for HBO? - her pores were like faucets!). I actually watched "Elf" twice in a row on TNT and was well into my third viewing when I decided to call it quits. Great movie, by the way ("Why don't you just say it. I'm the worst toy maker in the world. I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.").

The rest of the day was just as tedious. I sat at the keyboard during cake breaks and tried to lay down the tracks for the songs we're going to perform at the anniversary "show" this weekend. I'll probably hate the tracks when I listen to them again later in the week, but I couldn't bare to sit at the keyboard for more than 20 minutes at a time. All four of us (Juan, Val and Trish) are burning the candle at both ends trying to get this shindig together. We are so in the weeds - I'll be maniacally baking and freezing sheet cakes all week in preparation for the 250 (!) guests that have RSVP-ed; we also haven't rehearsed the reception show or the actually church music at all - just picked it out; Val is trying to scan, edit and compile hundreds of family pictures to put together a video slide show for the reception; we have to pick a show for next summer's High School theater program; Auditions are coming up for both Juan's Oklahoma! and my Madame Butterfly; we have a Holiday Concert coming up in two weeks that we have yet to start rehearsing for; I have to find a storage unit and coordinate the move of my old roommate's belongings out of my apartment (he's in China with the 42nd Street tour); I haven't cleaned the bathroom in weeks and the apartment is just plain nasty; I haven't started any of my Christmas shopping; I lost my cell phone yet AGAIN!; Trish lost her cell phone as well (and we have no land line); and on top of all that, I may soon be unemployed from my current temp job! Yeah! Between all of that, I hope to also book a few more church gigs and plenty of caroling jobs so I can scrape together my rent. I know, I know - "stop your bitching" you're saying to yourself. I'm sure I'll be complaining about having nothing to do in January when I'm living in a cardboard box in Times Square. Actually, I'd probably choose Union Square if I had to, much nicer neighborhood and less tourist traffic.

Recommended Reading

In honor of my striking brethren in Local One, I am recommending the book Making It on Broadway: Actors' Tales of Climbing to the Top by David Wiener and Jodie Langel. An easy read, it divides the actors' experience into pertinent sections (survival jobs, landlords, first gigs, etc.) and compiles a short anecdotal quote from a Broadway actor relating to the topic at hand. At times truly hilarious and utterly depressing, it puts a microscope to the world of big-time commercial Broadway theatre.

Although I have never worked under the Production Contract (Broadway and most Broadway tours), the attitudes and situations featured are all too familiar to me. I myself have been guilty of "long-run-itis" described in detail in one section. Of course, I'd like to blame most of these instances as the insecurities of a neophyte actor and I hope I've outgrown those impulses and attained a more professional demeanor (I'm sure there are many who would refute that). Though admittedly unprofessional, I do have fond memories of extreme upstaging and focus stealing, moving mole matinees, uncontrollable fits of laughter forcing me to turn upstage exposing quivering shoulders to the audience, and competitions to see who could sing the highest, most outrageous harmonies on the offstage mics during the show because we were simply "bored." In retrospect, totally inappropriate - but I can't deny that I enjoyed myself at the time.

I've probably come full circle and am now a professionalism Nazi. I'm always scolding my students for not taking their stage responsibilities more seriously. Oh well, I guess there is a middle ground somewhere. Until I find it, I'll just continue abusing my young charges and glow in the memories of past indiscretion.

So please feel free to let me know if you'd like to borrow my copy - and by borrow I mean get your cheap lazy ass up from your computer and buy your own copy because whenever I loan out a book (or CD or DVD for that matter) I never get it back!

Someone Left the Cake Out in the Rain...

Next week is my parents' 40th Anniversary bash. As you can guess, the family's been pulling out their hair trying to get preparations ready for the big day. For sanity's sake, Trish has limited answering calls from mom to just one a day. The new phone technique I have implemented has been to preface each of my calls home with, "I can't talk, just answer 'yes' or 'no'."

On top of the never-ending calls, guess what idiot volunteered to bake the wedding cake? Moi, of course. OK, so my wedding cake experience is basically nada, unless you count having seen every episode of "Ace of Cakes" as "experience". It's not that I'm a stranger to my oven; I in fact bake a mean batch of brownies (from scratch, thank you very much) and am no stranger to the virtues of parchment paper on a cookie sheet. But we're talking 250 hungry guests, half of whom are Filipino and therefore have never uttered the words, "No thank you, I'm full."

When I agreed to supply what most couples would consider the centerpiece for the evening, the date was nearly a year away. I thought I had plenty of time to bone up on my piping skills and fondant rolling technique, and by "bone up" I mean "learn." But a year sure does fly by quickly and now I'm scrambling to find a way to create an incredible culinary masterpiece with basically no cake decorating skills. Luckily, we were able to talk mom into letting us present a fake cake so at least what's under the icing can be bought and carved out of Styrofoam. Any ideas? I hear that you can use spackling compound instead of buttercream icing, but I want to make sure that the cake looks real. I had grand ideas of making each gum paste flower myself and individually painting the detailed leaves. Screw that. I'm gonna' have to see if the craft store has them pre-made or if I can go to a bakery and get some made for me. Suggestions would be most grateful.

I've already experimented and come up with the "real" cake which will be "hiding" in the kitchen, pre-sliced, until the fake one is carted off the dance floor. It will be a white cake with butter cream icing and either/both strawberry and cherry topping. It got the thumbs up from Juan, Val, Trish and Trish's friend Billy (who was in this week from Virginia and got screwed because of the Broadway strike) and turned out even better than I expected considering my measly budget. I won't reveal the secret recipe until after the big event in case anyone attending ends up reading this. I don't want to ruin the experience for anyone. So you'll just have to keep posted if interested.

Die Fledermaus - Little Opera Company (November 9-11)

I'm retro-posting this so it's archived on my blog. For those of you who missed it, we had a great time putting this opera together. Juan went on for two performances as Eisenstein with just a week and a half notice. The cast was phenomenal. Even though we went through several rounds of replacements, I believe the cast we ended up with far surpassed the original casting (no slight to the original cast, of course, just a great combination of talent). Madame Butterfly comes up in the spring (which I'm directing) and if you need some holiday cheer, check out the LOC's holiday concert "'Tis the Season" coming up December 7th.