Man With Van

Finally, the last vestiges of my former roommate have been expelled from my apartment. Don’t get me wrong, he was extremely polite, friendly and most importantly, paid the rent on time! But the hall closet has been bursting with his leftover stuff for the last three months while he’s been getting drunk all over Asia. He’s actually playing in the pit orchestra of 42nd Street on its Asian tour. But for pit musicians, tour is just an excuse to get wasted every night after the show since you’re low on responsibility and high on disposable income and free time. No disrespect to those musicians who act otherwise, but that has been my impression from the several years of touring I have endured. And I’m certainly not passing judgment on those who do, I’ve just had the unfortunate luck to have to appear shirtless on my last tour and any extra calories I allowed myself were certainly not wasted on alcohol. Now Ben & Jerry’s is another story. I’d gladly spend an extra two hours on the treadmill for a pint of Chunky Monkey - oh, or even better, a bacon cheeseburger, medium rare.

Anyway, back to my roommate. Hopefully, he’ll never read this. But we, (former roommate) Chris and I, had given him the nickname “Milky White” - the name of Jack’s cow from Into The Woods - because he’s blond and extremely pale. I know what you’re thinking, but it really just popped into our heads because when he first moved in with me, we couldn't think of his real name and all we could think about was how pale he was - nothing malicious intended. No, really. Anyway, Trish hasn't had a closet since she moved in this past September. Instead, she’s been using the next best thing, her bedroom floor, on the assumption that MW would be moving his belongings out upon returning from tour in October. He instead ended up extending his tour of duty until next March! So I graciously informed him that I’d be keeping his security deposit to pay for the extra months of storage and that I’d be moving his belongings into a lovely storage unit in Long Island City.

Since I’m just a paycheck shy of homeless and Trish has no income, we hit Craigslist for a “Man With Van” ad. Luckily, we found someone dirt cheap. But being extremely suspicious after 14 years of city living, I promptly hid every item of value in my closet in case this guy was looking to pocket some “extras.” Not that we really have anything of value to pocket, save my beloved flat screen TV, and I would have fought to the death to guarantee my continued viewing of Ugly Betty, Heroes and Lost in HD. Do not mess with my HD. Fortunately, the move went extremely well. The “man with van” and his hulking assistant were polite, efficient and best of all - cheap. Email me if you want a reference. Moral of story - cheap can be good (except perhaps in the case of prostitutes and maybe cheese).