Anniversary Rewind

I know I haven’t really blogged about the actual Anniversary party last weekend, but with the upcoming benefit for the opera company and me starting my new position as a corporate bitch, I don’t even have time to take a dump let alone write. Although I guess I could take my laptop into the bathroom with me and kill two birds with one stone - hmmm. Ha, now you’ll have that nasty image in your head while you read the rest of this blog. Moving right along, I’ve decided I’d just comment on my favorite moments from the weekend since there is just way too much that happened. I also urge you to click the comments link at the bottom of this article and add your own happy (?) memories to my list. Herewith, in no particular order are some of my highlights.

• Upon greeting Valerie for the first time in two years, Tita Rory ran up to her and excitedly began rubbing her stomach. Mortified, Val bellowed, “I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat.”

• The decorator failed to set up enough tables for the 250 guests (in a hall meant for 175) and Trish scolded his sissy ass into setting up more. In a related note, said decorator (sidebar: he claims he’s straight and has a girlfriend - right) also screwed up the table numbers so that the seating chart had groups of 20 sitting at 10 tops. Trish then had to announce the proper table numbers and had guests play musical chairs, getting up and walking them around the hall until she frustratingly just let people sit wherever there was an empty chair.

• Mom has obviously never hired servers/waiters for a large event because she decided that four people would be enough to bar tend, clear tables, serve desserts and maintain the buffet. Instead, the kids, the cousins - Daphne and Marion - and Trish’s friends Billy and Steve ended up filling water glasses, busing tables and taking shit from the snooty assholes at the Filipino table - yes, that would be you, table 2. I mean, come on, there were obviously seating problems and then you see the guests-of-honor’s kids hustling to fill your water glasses, plus you’re getting a free meal and then you’re gonna’ complain because the buffet line is too long? Get your sorry asses back to Manila if you don’t like it!

• I don’t know what dad was thinking, but barely half an hour into the reception there appeared to be only one bottle of wine left. When I asked dad where they were keeping the rest of the wine, he calmly explained that he put the 12 bottles right behind the bar. 12 bottles!? For 250 people!? Oy. I just smiled and said, “OK” and we immediately sent Gerry off to Sam’s Club for 3 more cases. Incidentally, soon after we also ran out of silverware and plates and we had to phone in an additional order to Gerry.
  

• Several guests came up to me and complimented me on how beautiful the cake looked. They were so impressed that I had made it myself. One guest was particularly complimentary about how well the cake was iced and commented on how similar it was to the very expensive cake she purchased for her daughter’s wedding. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was made out of spackle and Styrofoam. The fondant pearls, however, were edible, although laced with hot glue. On a side note, I baked and drove down 10 sheet cakes to serve at the party and planned to ice them the day before, but because there just weren’t enough hours in the day, we scrapped that idea and decided to serve Trish’s birthday cake in lieu of a wedding cake.

• Even with no rehearsal and a last minute decision to use music on stands instead of trying to memorize, the reception show went over like gangbusters. We basically ad lib-ed the whole thing and most of the choreography. Being the sap that I am, I of course started crying during “My Romance.” I think there may be some incriminating video floating around, but I will sue your asses if you post that shit on Youtube so keep it to yourselves.
  

• Because my fat ass has not seen the inside of my gym in almost a year (that’s a $1,000 down the toilet I could have used to buy a real wedding cake), I was mortified to discover that my suit pants would not button closed. I panicked and had Trish order pants online, one size up, and hoped that they would fit properly. Well, they ended up fitting perfectly except they weren't the same material as the jacket. Actually, they were the exact same color, but the striping was different widths. I basically thought, "F*ck it, no one will notice." And nobody did! Hopefully the next time I have to wear the suit I will have lost, or at least drastically reduced, my muffin top and will be able to squeeze into the correct pants.

I encourage family and friends to click the comment link below and add your favorite or most embarrassing moment to my list!