A Chorus Call (a sequel to A Chorus Line)

I found this scene-lette on a post at All That Chat and laughed so hard because I've totally heard bits and pieces of all these conversations at auditions (granted with different celebrity names, but same intent). The poster did not reveal the name of the author so I cannot credit this brilliant character study. Sadly, it's not an exaggeration and one of the reasons I always bring a book or headphones to auditions and try to block out everything else. And people wonder where the flaming chorus boy stereotype comes from.

Chorus Call (Sitting in an audition room for a male chorus call, three flamboyant chorus boys sit waiting to be seen.)

1: And then my boyfriend broke up with me and started dating my roommate, so he’s like, still living with us, he just sleeps in my roommate’s room.
2: Ohmygod, that sucks.
3: Is he an actor?
1: Yeah, NYU.
3: Stella Adler or Meisner?
1: Meisner.
3: What an a***hole.
1: Ohmygod, I hate chorus calls.
2: I know, this fu***ng sucks.
3: I shoulda' brought my book.
1: It’s like being at a gay bar with no liquor or music.
2: What book are you reading?
3: "Out of Sync" by Lance Bass.
1: Ohmygod, I read that whole thing in like, one day, it’s sooo freaking good!
3: I know, right? What was your favorite part?
1: I don’t know, the whole thing… I guess.
2: I’ve heard some of the music for this show and it sounds a-MAH-zing.
1: Where’d you hear it? I heard they’re not done writing it yet.
2: Sorry, I have connections. A "friend" if you will.
3: I think it’s really cool that they’re making a musical version of "Lucas".
1: Ohmygod, Charlie Sheen is so hot in the movie. I just wanna' lick his nipples.
3: I heard they’re getting Ashlee Simpson to play that girl from "The Goonies". The pretty one. A really good friend of mine is like Ashlee’s best friend. I’ve talked to Ashlee on the phone before.
2: I met Jessica Simpson at a party once. She got drunk and gave me her phone number.
1: Ohmygod, I love it when famous people give me their phone numbers.
3: That happens to you, too?
1: Well, yeah. When I’m like, catering or something, celebs are always like, "Oh you’re doing such a good job and you’re fun," and then they give me their phone number.
(Beat. 1 does a couple vocal warm ups [hums, blows out his lips, etc.])
2: Ohmygod, I hate chorus calls.
3: I know, right?
2: Going to a male chorus call is like going to Splash on Musical Monday…
(The other two give approval, "Oh, I love Musical Monday..")
2: Only everybody’s drinking bottled water...
(Gasp.)
2: And they’re only playing "Rent"…
(Approval.)
2: But you can’t sing along.
(Scream.)
1: Girl, don’t be talkin’ like that!
3: Isn’t "Lucas" the one where Corey Feldman plays with locusts and tries out for the football team, and like, almost dies in the end?
1: I think it was the other Corey. Corey Haim.
3: Or was it Sean Astin?
2: Anthony Michael Hall.
1: Winona Ryder.
3: Who cares, it was Charlie Sheen and the girl from "The Goonies."
ALL: The pretty one.
3: Anyway, my agent says I’m a definite shoo-in for it.
2: Which agent are you with?
3: …Martin… Von… Himmer… Steinen… Berg.
2: Oh, I’ve heard of him.
3: Yeah, he’s Raul Esparza’s agent. Raul is like one of my bff’s, so he recommended me.
2: That’s so sweet of him.
3: I know, right?
1: Ohmygod, Raul Esparza is so fu***ng hot, every time I Youtube him singing "Being Alive" on The Tonys I just j**z everywhere.
2: So like, one of my best friends is really good friends with Paula Abdul, and she said that they’re getting David Archuleta to play Lucas.
1 & 3: Awwww…
1: So what are you guys singing today?
2: Well, I was having Starbucks with Megan Mullally the other day and she said to sing "Walk of Life" by Dire Straits because it’s in the movie, and it’ll like, you know, put me in the scene.
(3 gets a text message.)
3: Ohmygod… I love it when Patti LuPone drunk texts me.
1: Ohmygod, I wanna read it.
3: Oops, I just erased it. Sh*t.
2: She’s drunk at 2 in the afternoon?
3: Yeah, well if you knew Patti the way I know Patti… Biiig lush.
1: I know, I was helping Bernadette Peters pick out new hair extensions the other day, and after that, we went back to her place and she totally drinks her vodka straight.
2: I love Bernadette.
1: The woman is 74 years old, people.
2: I know, I was doing cocaine with Angela Lansbury the other day, and she was talking about what a huge bitch Sutton Foster is…
3: I know, I was spe**nking with Rosie O’Donnell the other day, and she said –
2: Bob Saget gives amazing h**d.
1: I fu**ed Alan Cumming in a back alley on Christopher Street !
(Beat)
2 & 3: Um, yeah who hasn’t?
(A female monitor enters and makes an announcement.)
Monitor: Gentlemen, may I have your attention? They have decided they will not be seeing any non-equity people today. I know you’ve all been here since 5am, but since you are non-union, we don’t really see you as a person, so until that happens, you can all suck it. Thank you.
(She exits.)
3: Shit. I missed a Theatreworks callback for this.
1: Anybody wanna go second act "Spring Awakening"?
2: Totally, one of my best friends is in it, he’ll get us to sit onstage.
(They exit.)

Curtain