Have you missed me?

Holy crap! Have I really not written a sentence in almost three weeks? Time flies, as they say. Well, yes, I've been busy, but I simply just fell out of the "writing groove." I'm having similar issues in my relationship with the New York Sports Club. We're still friends and I drop in every once in a while for a squat thrust or two for old times sake, but we've agreed to see other people. And by other people I mean Mr. McDonald, Mr. B. King and their probably conceived-out-of-wedlock trailer trash daughter, Wendy. In fact, just last night I had a nasty yet fulfilling quickie with "the King." I'll take a super sized #9 anytime, thank you very much. But I digress.

Since so much has happened in the last couple of weeks, I've decided to give you several short entries in rapid succession rather than overwhelm you with one extremely long, yet undoubtedly fulfilling, entry (tee hee, that's dirty). I'll still date entries chronologically in order to keep some semblence of order (and also because I'm just anal retentive that way). Enjoy, and I hope you all come back and visit regularly again now that I have returned.

Kathy Griffin

Y’all know I’m a fan of K-Griff’s (that’s my made up rap-name for my girl) "My Life on the D-List," but I’d never seen her perform live. Cynic that I am, of course I had some reservations. Is she really as funny as she seems on TV or is she just a product of brilliant editing? Can you really sustain an audience’s interest throughout an evening solely based in trash talk, complaining and gossip-mongering (actually, I know the answer is “yes” based on most social events I attend in the city - at least the ones skewed toward the gay demographic)? Did I want to attend her stand-up act only to be disappointed and have my idealized vision of Kathy’s quick wit and brilliant bitchiness forever destroyed? What if she actually sucks? What if she’s just not that funny? I mean, my friends are some of the cattiest bitches around. I have some friggin’ high standards when it comes to trash talk. So with extreme excitement and just a touch of trepidation, lest I witness the downfall of a personal icon, Trish and I headed to ghetto chic downtown Newark and the NJPAC.

First of all, I have never seen so many faggots in downtown Newark ever. I’m sure there were plenty of “WTF?’s” from the locals as well as from the staff at NJPAC. I mean, a Village People concert is probably less gay than Kathy’s audience. But girlfriend, the Jersey gays are not NYC gays, that’s for damn sure. I’ve always prided myself in not being one of those cookie cutter homos who is overly judgmental and all about style over substance. If you doubt that, ask Chris and Dan about having to pry my ten-year-old cargo pants from my death grip. I still feel the hole in my heart and in my closet. And don’t even get Trish started on my dress socks. I mean, who sees your socks anyway? But seriously, the Jersey gays do not know how to dress. You’re going to an event at NJPAC, for God’s sake! I mean, I’m not saying you need to break out the tux, but don’t look like a homeless person. Have some dignity, people. We have a reputation to uphold. And fag hags, and I mean that as a term of endearment, please buy clothes that fit you - not the size you wish you were. And I’m really not being mean. I’ve definitely packed on the pounds in the last year, but I don’t try to force my fat ass into size 32’s anymore.

Well, I’m happy to report that Kathy did not disappoint. Again, the reason her trash comedy works is that she always genuinely seems to mean what she says. If she likes someone, she’s unabashedly honest about it. If someone bothers her, she doesn’t give a f*ck who knows it. I think her true appeal is that secretly, most people wish they could be as open and honest as she is all the time.

My only complaint is that the show started way late and our seats were in the Himalayas. We could barely even see Kathy. For all I know, it was a midget in drag lip-synching to a recording. Of course, that’s my fault, since I was being a cheap skate that weak and opted for the nosebleeds. And talk about vertigo, I nearly threw up all over the lovely couple sitting next to me. A straight couple. Yes, there were a few of those in the audience as well. Straights need their comedy, too.

Tonys

Believe it or not, I almost missed them this year. I was in Jersey Sunday morning coaching some of our Les Mis cast members and had drifted into a food coma after once again consuming my weight in dim sum. Trish woke me up half an hour into the ceremony, just in time to catch the freakish (in a good way) Patti LuPone belt the bejesus out of Everything’s Coming Up Roses. (FYI: urban dictionary definition #2 - a term that can be used with just about any phrase to add emphasis. I was shizzing last night and it burned the bejesus out of my ass. I had a nightmare that I saw Todd naked and it scared the bejesus out of me.) Although she was amazing, it was a bit much for a wake up call. I think you need some prep time before getting the full on Patti in yo’ face.

Overall, I think the ceremony was pretty enjoyable. Lots of performances + shortened speeches = entertainment! Whoopi did a more than respectable job and some of her pre-taped skits were actually amusing. The novelty did begin to wear thin going into that third hour though. Could they really not think of anything more interesting for her to sing/say than "Tony"? On a side note, she makes one hideous Christine; funny and frightening at the same time. Although I sort of feel the same way about Sarah Brightman's performance in general.

I'm glad that South Pacific raked in the awards and that dreamy Paulo Szot won for Best Performance of a Leading Man. I'm proud to have the Brazilian babe playing for my team. I'm also glad to know that Liza's gay appeal factor is International. Truly, he was like a teenage girl seeing Wicked for the first time. And I'm sorry, but damn, that granny has some crazy ass hot legs! Work the mini beeyatch. I mean, she's like 90, right?

In the Heights' number convinced me to buy a ticket - fun, sexy number, great dancing and interesting characters. On the flip side, I was actually very interested in catching Passing Strange before the Tonys, but after its almost non-sequitor-like performance, I may just have to pass on it. It really made absolutely no sense out of context and just seemed trendy without substance. And they need to return Spring Awakening's back wall. Enough with the neon shit. Build a set people!

And once again the hunk with the tree trunk thighs, Cheyenne Jackson, tore it up. That boy can really sing. Damn him for being hot AND talented. I may just have to catch Xanadu again when he returns in August after his stint in Damn Yankees. I'm still debating on that one. If I hear there is some shirtless locker room action, I'll definitely have to break down and buy a ticket.

So You Think You Can Step It Up and Dance?

So I’m a little late on this because I’m way behind on my DVR queue. But Cody? What the f*ck? Fine, he’s a great technical dancer and he’s pretty. Really pretty. OK, hot. OK, friggin’ hot. What ev’s - he’s got the personality of a pile of dirt! Once you get past his bulging body parts, he’s just plain boring on stage. And if you ask me, he’s a total closet case. Did you see his girlfriend? She might as well have been a teenage boy. Flat as a board, crew cut and dressed like a men’s Gap ad. She’s obviously his lesbian beard. My only consolation is that Mochi won the video shoot and that Miguel went home empty-handed. Not that I’m happy Miguel was injured, but he’s so damn conceited and doesn’t have the talent to back it up. His solo went nowhere and when performed back-to-back with Mochi, Nick and Cody’s solos, his deficiencies in technique were made even more glaring. He really looked like just some twinky club kid vogue-ing at Splash bar on a Saturday night.

My pick would have been Mochi. I know, it seems like Filipino nepotism, but her solo really was the best. And I wish Nick’s technique was stronger, because he’d be my vote based on personality alone. And he’s really cute for a straighty.

I’m all a twitter this week with the start of So You Think You Can Dance, my fave of the reality talent shows. It’s way better than Idol because the judges actually choose their contestants based on talent. Imagine that. They actually eliminate contestants who lack formal training and technique rather than rewarding untrained “raw” talent. What gall! Unfortunately, no hottie alerts this season. Oh well, I’ll have to watch it based solely on the dancing (insert audible sigh here).

On a side note, the Opera Company’s garage sale fundraiser was this weekend and it was hell. Literally. We made a lot of money, but it almost doesn’t seem like the pay-off is worth the effort and sweat. Lots and lots of sweat. Maybe if it wasn’t 150 degrees out it would have been more bearable. We did have a good time hanging out with the opera kids and parents, but next time, we’ve gotta’ do it when under more humane conditions.

Legally Blond

It ain’t Sondheim, but it’s entertaining and never boring. And since I only paid $35 for orchestra seats (thank you TDF!), how can I complain? Well, I guess I’m still going to complain, but I’m a bitch that way. First off, Laura Bell Bundy, is actually quite good. She’s a genuine triple threat with freakishly long legs that seem to go all the way up to her perky tits. And I have no idea how the hell she walks, let alone high-kicks and dances, in what seem to be 8-inch heels! She might as well have been en pointe. Granted, her voice did show a bit of “second-show-of-the-day” edge, but was clear and in tune (well, except for the hideously flat last note in the first act closer - yikes).

I mainly went to see Gaelen, a colleague I worked with back in the day when I was on tour with Grease! She was the Marty u/s and I was the Teen Angel/Johnny Casino u/s. She was on for Paulette, the white trash salon worker who befriends Elle. Though the part is badly written with horrible one-liners, she was able to rise above the trite dialogue and belted some crazy high notes that Orfeh (the regular Paulette) struggled to hit when I saw the show in previews. Trish commented that she hated the role and the songs when Orfeh performed it, but didn’t find it nearly as annoying with Gaelen. She also did some ridiculous (in a good way) riffing in “Bend and Snap.” I emailed her yesterday to congratulate her and she replied that she’s leaving the show in a few weeks to start rehearsals for the pre-Broadway try-out of 9 to 5 in LA. Yup, THAT 9 to 5, with a new score by Dolly Parton! I’m happy and extremely jealous. Girlfriend does not stop working - Wicked to Legally Blond to 9 to 5. Who’s she fucking? Only kidding, Gaelen, you’re awesome.

The rest of the show is like a regular musical on crack. The cast has freakishly high energy levels that try to compensate for some bad book writing and some pedestrian, but frantic, choreography. Unfortunately, some of the show just doesn’t make sense/doesn’t work no matter how hard the cast tries. She flies to Harvard to give a live “performance” with a marching band in lieu of a personal essay? Yeah, right. Then there’s the entire scene in act two where Elle decides not to leave Harvard. It makes absolutely no sense. It goes from the beauty shop to bare stage then to a parade with Elle and her parents on a golf cart!? Where are they? Did they fly back to Cali and then drive the golf cart back to Harvard? Oh well, like I said, it ain’t Sondheim.

My only real complaint was that the sound sucked. I couldn’t make out 70% of the lyrics in the opening song. It sounded like they were singing into tin cans. And some of those sorority girls must have flunked out many, many times. Some of them looked as if they could have given birth to Elle. I won't even mention the wigs.

Besides Bundy, Christian Borle was the standout - great voice, natural acting and wonderful stage presence. I never felt he was pushing for the laugh or overcompensating for weak writing (which Bundy was guilty of doing on occasion - reign it in, girlfriend). Otherwise, not a bad way to spend a Wednesday night. Now if I had spent $100 a ticket, maybe I’d be less forgiving. But I didn’t, so I won’t.

I heart Kathy Griffin

Yes, she's a total bitch, but that's why I love her. She's also completely honest and I'll take complete honesty over a gaggle of back-stabbing queens any day. Anyway, Trish and I headed back to school last night, to The Producers Guild East's seminar with comedian Kathy Griffin and the producers of her Emmy award-winning series, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List at NYU's Cantor film center downtown. The price was right, free, and we didn't really have anything else planned. Sorry, Kathy, if I had been offered free drinks at happy hour someplace, you'd have had two empty seats at your seminar. The funny part of the event was that it only reinforced how "D-list" Kathy really is. While Trish was in the lobby bathroom - aka Kathy's dressing room - Kathy and her producers were discussing the format of the evening and freshening up. Yes, NYU couldn't give Kathy a room somewhere, but banished her to the public restroom. Trish had to push her way past Kathy and her producers, between the stall and the sink in the tiny bathroom, to wash her hands during Kathy's prep meeting! Totally D-list! Anyway, she was extremely cool, and down to earth. It was nice to see that she really is as spontaneous and funny in person as she is on her show and that it's just not good editing.

Ass pirates

I can’t believe we (just barely) pulled Pirates out of our asses. Not literally, of course. That would be quite difficult and painful (and very messy). Our stage manager, Sharon, gave an admirable performance as the Pirate King, given that she had half a run-through and less than 24 hours notice to fill in for our indisposed actor. All in all, she acquitted herself quite nicely. Of course, there was some highly creative improvised dialogue, and much of it from actors who had actual rehearsal time and should have known better, but that’s a whole 'nother can of worms that I don’t wish to crack open and smear on anybody’s reputation, especially some high school kid. Since I’ve learned that it’s not just my sister and I that read my blog, in order to protect the innocent I’ll have to desist naming names - at least if they’re under age. But watch out biyatches, once you’re over 21, you’re asses are fair game. Anyway, it was hard to keep track of who was playing what role in any given show since so many people were double cast, sick or just plain clueless on stage. I just sat in the pit minding my own business and conducting the orchestra, and by orchestra I mean me at the piano and Trish turning pages.

The best part of the 3-day run? Having dinner and getting ice cream between Saturday shows with my nominee for “Hot Jersey Mom,” Anita Napoli. No, there is no such award, and yes, I’m gayer than springtime (poor Oscar could never have foreseen his lyrics used in this context), but I know a hot mom when I see one. Lest I get hate mail for playing favorites, we did not plan to have dinner with Anita and her daughter Gabby, we just coincidentally ended up going to the same restaurant (a lovely Thai fusion place, Avenue East). In all honesty, Trish, Juan, Val and I tried to find a restaurant off the beaten path in order to avoid any additional contact with the cast and parents. Not that we don’t love our kids (now the parents - at least some parents - well, that’s a different matter. Mama Rose anyone?), but sanity must be preserved in these days of show overload. Next week, is the opera company’s garage sale fundraiser and the following week is the graduating senior’s cabaret show. Then we’ll finally get two weeks to recuperate before we start all over again with Les Mis.

Some of our lovely Young Artists backstage at Pirates (Kristen Caruana, Kaitlyn Mills and Katy Cockrell).