Another Opnin'... my angry actor rant for the day and a few pet peeves

Tonight we finally open our Young Artist production of The Bat at the CDC theatre in Cranford, NJ.  The last four days have been spent in commuter hell - subway to work at 8am, bus to NJ at 5pm and then back to Queens on the bus, subway, hitched car ride or some combination of all three.  Finally around midnight I stumble up my third floor walk-up and straight into bed to start all over again the next morning.  Why do I do it?  Stupidity mostly. 

This tech week has been particularly trying.  Many of our leads are first-timers and are learning that theatre isn't just play time with wigs, make-up and the occasional sexual experiment.  There's actual work involved.  Trust me, I know from whence I speak.  I paid my dues on-stage before finally my obsession with power and control forced me to move on to directing.  Yes, I know I have issues.

So in an attempt to diffuse my ever growing "theatre-rage" and avoid finally lashing out and possibly decapitating some poor student with a prop banana for calling "line" one too many times, let me spell out my top actor pet peeves.

1.  Paraphrasing - Please say what is written.  I understand that paraphrasing at the start of rehearsals is the "process" for some working actors, but there's no excuse for it once rehearsals are in full swing.  Oh, wait, there is one excuse, laziness.  When you win your Pulitzer or hit the NY Times best seller list I'll consider your re-writes.  Until then, learn the F*#+$*%*$@ lines as written.

2.  TV acting - OK, I have nothing against TV actors as rule, but I'm referring to what many actors call an "intimate" acting style.  Bullshit.  Unless you're in a tiny blackbox theatre in the East Village getting paid in Jäger shots, you need to speak the hell up.  I don't care how emotionally connected you are with your scene partner, if I can't hear what you're sayin' I ain't payin'!

3.  Back-of-the-head acting - In general, I do prefer the American school of naturalistic acting.  But again, it's theatre - it's a heightened realism.  Granted, there are times it is impossible to always stage an actor so they aren't up-staging themselves.  But please, I don't want to watch the back of your head for any extended amount of time unless you're the "listener."  If you always seem to be looking upstage or away from the audience, for the love of God, cheat out.  Either that or your director just sucks.

4.  Know what you're saying - If I had a dollar every time an actor answered "no" when I asked, "Do you understand what you just said?"  I'd have at least enough money to buy that actor a dictionary.  Seriously, with the internet there are no excuses.  Remember the old days when you actually had to go to that dark, quiet, brick building with all the books in it?  If you don't know what you're saying, look it up. 

5.  Stupid questions - I'm sorry, despite popular opinion there is such thing as a stupid question.  Some gems from my own personal files: 

"I don't like this costume, do I have to wear it?" 
"While that scene is happening downstage (usually some important plot development), can I add this bit?" 
"I have dance class, can I be late to the final dress rehearsal?" - no joke, someone actually asked this.

6.  Know your blocking - Blocking is not optional.  It is not a suggestion.  If I ask you to be at a certain spot at a certain time, be there.  And please, please - I'm begging you - don't make me re-block a scene again just because you were too lazy to write it down.  Actors always seem to forget that a director is there to make them look good and is on the outside seeing "the big picture."  We're on your side.  If you don't trust the director, don't do the show.

Ah.  I feel much better.  Love ya' - mean it!