O - K - L - A - H - O - M - A...

I’m back to the NYC grind after two truly exhausting days of auditions for a community theater production of Oklahoma! that I’m choreographing and Juan is directing in NJ. Oh, the joys of community theater! To think I used to make fun of Equity actors auditioning for roles that they were clearly inappropriate for. Well at the community theater level, the inappropriate-factor is at least quadrupled. In fact, I think some of those community theater people are downright delusional - unless of course, we were actually looking for a geriatric Ado Annie or non-singing Laurie. I guess I shouldn’t be so flippant, considering that some truly talented actors did audition for us. It’s actually quite disturbing to see how amateurs (not meant to be derogatory) react when scrutinized by directors/performers with a higher level of experience only because it shows how badly musical theater performers are being trained/coached.

Apparently, 16-bar cuts are not the norm outside of so-called “professional” theaters. After several non-compliant singers, Val went out to the waiting room and announced once again that we were honoring a strict 16-bar policy. By the shocked looks on some of the faces, you’d have thought we asked people to chop off a leg. No matter, some sly older woman - and that’s being nice - decided she’d be able to slide by the measure count. After I asked, “What is your 16-bar cut?” She conveniently pretended not to hear me and headed to the stage. She then proceeded to glare at me all through her audition because I was apparently not playing “her tempos,” which she again conveniently failed to provide. So I conveniently stopped playing. God, I am one mean bitch. She trailed off with, “I’m just a girl (real loud) who cain’t (softer, after realizing there was no more piano accompaniment) say no (much quieter and pitch trailing off).” And then just stared out at us in sad, embarrassed silence. Irony alert: 50-year old woman singing “I Cain’t Say ‘No’”!?!?!

One producer, who shall remain nameless, blatantly made fun of a 13-year old girl’s voluminous pageant coif. Now I don’t claim to be above cattiness, in fact it’s one of my better assets, but I will be the first to swallow my pride and admit when I am wrong. And this young ‘un certainly forced me to promptly insert foot in mouth after singing and dancing circles around the other adult actors. No such luck with said producer, who, at the post audition meeting refused to back down and blasted the 13-year old because she could “hear her breathe.” I don’t want get nasty, but could it be possible that said producer was slightly intimidated that this young girl had twice the personality and charisma (and hair) of this producer’s relative who was also auditioning for the show? I'm not naming any names, but someone should be having crow for dinner tonight followed by a fat slice of humble pie a la mode.

Anyhoo, for any of you planning to audition for anything in the future be it community theater or professional theater, here is a random list of notes taken from yesterday's audition experience:

• Read the audition notice and prepare the material the theater requests of you. If you can’t prove you can sing in 16-bars, you won’t do it in 32.
• If the notice clearly states “prepare to move,” do not show up in a suit and tie and then not bring clothes to move in.
• Yes, you can “act” in 16 bars. So do it! Don’t just stand there.
• Be nice to the accompanist even if he/she does screw up. Do not glare at them or give attitude. Always take responsibility for everything. Trust me, they (meaning me) know when they (meaning me again) have screwed up.
• If you offer more than one selection and are asked which you prefer, do NOT answer “It doesn’t matter.” Pick one. It wastes our time.
• Always give your tempo to the accompanist. He/she is not a mind reader.
• Always check that you have not cut off the bass clef at the bottom of photocopied music.

I'm looking forward to adding to the list tomorrow when we host our last night of auditions. I'm sure I'll have more stories and gossip to report then.