Why Are the Cowboys Dancing?

Friday, January 15, 2010

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I can’t believe I’m seeing my first show of 2010. Ugh. This means I’m only a few months closer to the big Four-Oh! Someone get me a walker! Well, at least I’m going to limp into old age seeing some bona fide movie stars.

Scarlett Johansson gives a respectable, if mundane, Broadway debut. She’s no Meryl Streep (yet), but she was solid. Liev Schreiber was excellent, as usual. I think the culprit here is casting because Johansson and Schreiber, at least how they are being played / directed, seem close to the same age. So we’re missing the uncomfortable “older-guy-hitting-on-jailbait” squeamishness that would add some much needed dramatic tension to the proceedings. As is, it reads like just another soap opera, albeit set in the 1950’s. And Rodolfo just reads like some punk kid. You almost hope Catherine gets it on with Eddie instead. Or maybe that’s just me projecting - because that would make one hot, celebrity sex tape. You know you want to see it.

Friday, January 1, 2010

2009 bites the dust

After being bombarded with year-end stories and articles from every media outlet and publication on the planet, I thought I’d add to the white noise with my own truly insignificant (well, not to me) Year End Wrap-Up! So if you haven’t been keeping up with my blog, it’s OK. I won’t think any less of you, loser.

Well, from the sidebar you can see that I spend, and in some cases waste, much of my hard(ly)-earned paycheck on shows. I was thinking of listing my top ten theatrical experiences, but sadly upon review, couldn’t find five truly outstanding performances to list. So in no particular order, my best for the year are:

Ragtime, Broadway revival - Will we ever hear a true legit score on Broadway again that isn’t a revival? It’s pretty f*cking depressing that having too much vocal training is now a detriment to casting. The only way this revival could be any better would be to get Audra to reprise her performance as Sarah.

August: Osage County, Broadway - Any show where I get to see Mrs. Claire Huxtable stumble around in a drug-induced haze rates high on my richter scale. Add some incest, suicide, racism and infidelity in the mix and I call that entertainment - or a typical week with the Pineda family - minus the incest, of course. Even we have standards.

Guys and Dolls, Scotch Plains HS - Yes, I am referring to a high school production and not the mediocre Broadway revival from earlier this year. Why? Because it took a high school production to reassure me that million dollar sets cannot hide bad material, direction or casting. I was even jealous watching it, thinking it was much better - and it pains me to say it - than many Pineda productions. High school directors take note, a chorus aimlessly standing about upstage does not constitute “direction.”

And the worst production of 2009? Drum roll please - the Broadway revival of Bye, Bye Birdie. What an embarrassment. I permanently damaged the flesh around Trish's knee from constantly clutching it in shock and horror. Sure, John Stamos and Gina Gershon are hot, but dancers? Not so much. Sadly, the highlight of the evening was checking out the beautiful state of the art urinals in the theater's newly renovated bathroom. Yes, the show was that bad.

Looking back, I don’t understand how I made it through the year without collapsing. I directed/choreographed the opera company’s Magic Flute and Dido and Aeneas, choreographed Beauty and the Beast for South Plainfield HS and co-directed and did some musical staging for the conservatory’s On The Town. And as always, the Pineda family performed benefit concerts throughout the year to help pay for our summer house in Cancun - NOT! All of this, of course, while trying to stay awake at my regular nine to five at Morgan Stanley.

Pineda Lyric Opera finally received its non-profit 501(c)(3) letter earlier this year, so we now have a Board of Directors and are all official and sh*t. This has been a long time in coming and we can finally start begging for donations. That means you’d better start sending us those fat checks. We know where you live.

This year also marks the last year I can say I’m in my 30’s. Yikes! Is it really possible we are now starting to send kids off to college? And that even after working with us for years, these same kids STILL want to pursue careers in the arts? It’s scary to think that in the next decade there will be a slew of actors coming to NYC who are graduates of the Pineda Conservatory. Broadway, you have been warned.

As for resolutions - I guess I’d like to finally take a vacation that’s more than just a long weekend, preferably somewhere warm with palm trees and cabana boys in thongs. I’d also like to hit the gym again and get rid of the spare tire I’ve acquired over the last year. Maybe luxuriously lounging in my caftan while chowing down on pizza and ice cream during The Biggest Loser wasn’t the most ideal fitness regime. Other than that, I guess 2010 will be full of directing, performing, working (a real job) and more b*tching.

My Peeps (or Who the Hell is Fausto Talking About?!)

I've decided to add this handy list and link to it whenever I refer to my blog "regulars":

Trish - younger sister, actor / voice teacher

Juan - younger brother, Val's husband, actor / voice teacher, former Broadway performer

Gerry - older brother, lives in Texas and owns guns - 'nuff said?

Val - Juan's wife, went to Manhattan School of Music with me, founder of Pineda Conservatory

Chris - good friend, Dan's significant other, actor / dancer / choreographer, teacher at Pineda summer camp, roommate for several years

Dan - good friend, Chris' significant other, actor now studying to be a nurse, teacher at Pineda summer camp, roommate for several years

Jaygee - good friend, Filipina, played Kim opposite my Thuy at Seaside Music Theatre, diva

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Ragtime is to Fausto as crack is to…

a) crazy whore
b) eager, young financial analyst
c) Amy Winehouse
d) all of the above

Obviously, the answer is “d.” Have you never taken a standardized test before?

Yesterday afternoon I found myself at the Neil Simon Theatre seeing Ragtime. Again. That’s three times in a month. I’m totally obsessed! Granted, Trish and I took my brother, Gerry, who was up from Texas for the holidays. But even I can recognize the signs of addiction. Someone call “Intervention.”

Anyway, there’s not much more to say except that this show continues to kick just about every show’s ass that’s currently playing. Not that it’s a perfect production, but as far as gorgeous stage pictures, often inspired direction, thrilling music and solid ensemble work, not much on the boards can beat it.

As for Christmas, well, it was the usual family craziness. Both sets of parents (the brown and the white), me, Trish and my brother Gerry squeezed into Juan and Val’s Jersey house. I won’t go into details, but damn, it’d make a great movie. Between catering to the various parents, singing for Christmas mass at Juan’s church, Val streaming bodily fluids from several orifices (don’t ask) and everyone making sure there was always a steady flow of food and beverage from the kitchen, there wasn’t much time left for celebrating Jesus’ birthday.

We did manage to have a full family sit-down breakfast on Christmas morning, lovingly prepared by the men of the house, Gerry and Joey (Val’s brother). And we finally opened presents around noon, just in time for lunch! Sensing a theme? Besides the usual sweaters and pajamas, I finally got my Christmas wish - a Slap Chop! It’s the little things…

Merry Christmas, everyone! And I don’t care if you’re not Christian. Yes, you heard me. The p.c. police can just haul me off to Gitmo. Love ya, kisses.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Where have I been?

After posting about the blizzard and the holiday concert, I realized there's a month-long lapse in posts starting before Turkey day. So since I’m stuck at my desk at work while everyone else is living large on vacation, I thought I’d hit some of the Pineda family highlights from Thanksgiving onward. Happy Tuesday!

Stuff it!

This year we congregated at Chez Val et Juan (that's "Juan and Val's house" for you mono-linguists) for this year’s Turkey day gluttony. The excitement started early when Val decided to add a slice of her finger to the candied yams. Yum! And since timing is everything, wouldn’t you know, just as Trish and Val ran out the front door on their way to the Medemerg for some stitches, mom and dad (the brown ones) conveniently pulled into the drive way. After waving the parents back, the ladies raced off, leaving Juan and I to finish up the cooking. Thankfully, we only had some reheating and basting left to do.

As per the normal Pineda Thanksgiving ritual, the day revolved around gorging, sleeping and crapping. Come to think of it, just about any gathering of two or more Pinedas seems to follow the same basic pattern. At least we’re consistent. This gathering was small by Pineda standards, with Val’s Aunt Mary and Uncle Doug and Trish’s friend, Billy, joining the family for dinner. Note to self (and everyone else), ixnay on the universalsay ealthcarehay in front of Uncle Doug. Just trust me on that one.

Sadly, our attempt at Black Friday shopping fizzled. In our efforts to top last year’s miserable shopping failure, we set our alarm clocks for 3 am. But somehow we couldn’t drag our fat, tired asses out of bed. Instead, we slept in and hit the stores at around noon. We lasted all of an hour before giving up on the lines and nasty shoppers. Why does bargain shopping turn people into total biyatches?! Instead, we opted to get all Martha Stewart on the holiday and hit Michael’s for some crafting supplies. I then spent the rest of the evening creating the gayest Christmas wreath ever, complete with red lily’s and feather butterflies. Yes, feather butterflies. Don’t judge.

Here we come a-wassailing…

As some of you know, I’ve been caroling with my good friend Donald Birely’s company for years. Unfortunately, with the economy in the toilet people haven’t been willing to pry open their wallets to pay for some holiday cheer. With only a couple gigs for me this year, the old top hat and tails didn’t see much action. I did manage to snag a couple of sweet swag bags from one gig. Don’t worry Donald, I didn’t steal them, they were offered to me.

While we’re on the caroling topic, I just want to know why people insist on talking to us while we're singing. Do they expect us to stop mid-Fa-la-la to reply? Are they testing our caroling commitment and waiting to report us to the caroling police? Please help me understand. And since I’m already in rant mode - do people forget that we’re human beings, not Disney animatronics? No, we cannot sing non-stop for three hours outside in 20-degree weather because you like “the look” of us standing in that 2-foot snow drift in front of your store window!

Sorry, I just finally needed to get those complaints off my chest and in writing. My fellow carolers have been bitching for years now about the same things every year and nothing ever seems to change. Okay, I’m better now. The valium has taken effect.

The Christmas Tree Shoppes…

Well, this is my new favorite store. Why? Where else can you buy flashing snowflakes, toilet seat decals and travel-sized shaving cream all in one store! And what do shaving cream and toilet seat decals have to do with Christmas? Absolutely nothing! That’s why I love this place. Go visit, you won’t regret it. But I have to say "word up" to the Paramus store. You kick the Springfield store's ass.

Well, I think that just about hits the high points. I’m sure there will be more family hijinks and bitter feelings to report soon, so check back often! Happy Kwanzachristmanukah!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Let it snow, let it snow...

So I haven’t even been to my apartment in Queens since the blizzard of ’09 (photo courtesy of New York Times) hit on Saturday night. That’s because I was happily ensconced at my weekend villa in San Tropez nuzzling up to a prissy pink-umbrella’d drink. And by villa I mean Juan and Val’s futon, by San Tropez I mean Jersey and by prissy blue drink I mean 75 out-of-control teenagers. Yes, friends, this weekend was the second annual Very Merry Pineda Holiday Spectacular, a benefit concert for the Pineda Conservatory. Well, what can I say besides I’m glad the damn thing is over. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for all the people who volunteered their time and talent so as not to make us look like complete asses. But it’s darn scary putting on a show without ever having had a full run-through with all the costumes, props or musicians and without benefit of a technical or backstage crew. Face it, when you’re basically winging the whole show, something’s bound to go to sh*t.

Having said that, it’s only fitting we had to cancel our final Saturday night rehearsal due to a blizzard warning. Sigh - nothing’s ever easy, is it? At least we finally had the night off to cozy up to a roaring fireplace sipping hot cocoa on a bear skin rug. And by fireplace I mean futon, by sipping hot cocoa I mean making 70 phone calls to parents postponing our concert start time by 2 hours and by bear skin rug I mean a cat-hair covered Snuggie.

Well, the show itself was not a complete mess. There were a couple of cluster f*cks, some missed entrances, a few sour notes and some creative lyric changes. The Pinedettes (our younger and slightly less leggy version of the Rockettes) were a hit with the crowd. But the drama queen in me was secretly hoping one of the non-Pinedettes would snap and go all Tonya Harding on one of the dancers. There was definitely some animosity between certain girls and "the chosen." Is there anything more evil than a jealous teenage girl? Methinks not. Oh well, that'll teach 'em to skip rehearsal when I decide to choreograph a number. But all in all, the concert fulfilled its purpose - to get people into the holiday spirit, to showcase the kids and to raise money for the Conservatory. The overflow crowd seemed to have a great time. And who can complain really, when for the price of a ticket you also got booze and brownies! I’d say, Merry f*ckin’ Christmas to that!

The Lovely Pineda-ettes - the newest addition to our annual concert.

Frequently Referred to Blog Peeps

Trish - my baby sister and roommate in Astoria. Struggling actor, working voice teacher and Mike Ruiz wannabe.

Juan - my younger brother in NJ. Broadway vet and now teacher and director at Pineda Conservatory of the Arts. King of fleeting hobbies - latest: ~~building a boat~~. ~~crockpot cooking~~. ~~square foot gardening~~. ukulele.

Valerie - my sister-in-law, married to Juan. We went to conservatory together. Founder and Executive Director of Pineda Conservatory of the Arts. She's Polish.

Gerry - my older, gun-toting Texan brother.

Chris & Dan - best friends from back in the day and they've been partners forever! We met singing and dancing on the Nat'l tour of Grease where I sensitively informed Dan that he was just "going through a gay phase" after professing his crush on Chris. Mom & Dad refer to them as their "white sons."

Dewey - Chris & Dan's dachshund. Cute but needy.

Mom & Dad - um, they're my mom and dad. Currently residing in Richmond, VA.